Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Everybody pops

I've been pooping a lot lately. Like, every time I go pee. I wonder if that is heathly.

Now onto more serious stuff.
My soul is dying in this town called Provo. I need to get out. I need to run in circles in the sunshine in the sprinklers in the green green grass of my front lawn in Irving, Texas. I need to walk down to Sonic wearing flipflops and a t-shirt over my swim suit and get a diet cherry limeade. I need to go to Lauras and spend hours holed up in her room, listening to good music, surfing the web and writing in our journals. I need to be in my room, my room that I painted. I need to look at my harp poster hanging above my bed and think of how soon, it will hang in a house that is all my own, to share with my husband. I need to rip out the old me that was in my room, and replace it with a new me that is still trying to figure out who she is. I need to paint, not just walls, but canvas. I need to play with small kids that are all eagar to learn, and hold a baby so new, that it can't tell its mama from me. I need to drive down the streets of the city I grew up in with the windows down and the Beatles on the radio. I need to walk thru the halls of my old high school and say goodbye to it, and the memories that are so bittersweet to my life. I need to run the old jogging trail, and not care who is looking at me in my jog bra and shorties. I need to have lunch with old loves and show them the bling on my finger, and let them know I have no regrets. I need to lay in bed with my mom some morning when we don't really have anything to do, and I need to go out to my dad's shop and just watch him work magic with wood. I need to play video games with nick, and go out skiing at least once a week. I need to sit on my roof, and make sure that the world is still upright and spinning like I remember it once was. I need to drive out to the drive-in movies, and load up with so much bug spray, I could possibly die from the fumes. I need to get that popcorn and that dr. pepper and watch a double feature with a sheet over me and a best friend beside me. I need to drive dirt roads and get lost, but know where I'm going. I need to swim. Swim in the ocean, or the pool, or the river, or the lake and get burned cheeks that make me look young and free and alive. I need to sit in church and listen over the babies crying, and really feel connected with God again. I need to see the families I grew up with, and see how they have grown while I have been gone. I need to get snow cones and tell secrets. I need to drive to the airport knowing that my love will be in my arms within hours. I need be sticky on the leather couch from the Texas humidity and watch horrible movies late at night. I need sit close by my window during a Texas rainstorm and watch the big tree sway in the wind. I need someone to listen, and someone to talk. I need to go shopping in my favorite places, that only exist where they are now, and go eat at all the places that remind me of certian days and places and times in my life. I need to smell the sweet summer air, full of honeysukle and hope. I need to buy 10 pairs of sunglasses in one summer, and sweat thru 2 shirts a day. I need to look at all the pictures from my childhood, and see the person I have become from that start. I need to read my old journals and figure out what has changed for the good. I need to run into someone I know at Kroger's, and I need to suprise someone who was a good, decent person towards me. I need to hug people who thought they would be my mother some day, and I need to remind their sons that they are going to find someone wonderful. I need the heat to burn off all the parts of me I don't like, and the rain to wash away the ashes revealing the new me. I need my hometown. I need my home state. I need my home, so that I can be there one more time and say goodbye for good so that I can start my new life with my new husband in the same place I am right now, and not want to go back to start over ever again.