Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I took a nap today (for like, three hours) and now I can't fall asleep. SUCK. As soon as I write this I HAVE to go to bed. I have a test in the morning.
So elder hasn't written me yet. My stomach has this terrible feeling that he hates me now, which hurts all the way to my toes. I hate that I have gotten so good at pushing people away from my life when I need them the most. It sucks. I dunno what I'm going to do when he does write me... I don't know what I want/need out of him, so I don't exactly know why its bugging me so much. Maybe I just want to know. I dunno. Ugh.
I'm also waiting on a letter from EWC. I miss him SO much. Ugh. My heart wants to explode.
How can i have so much feeling for two diffrent people.
I give up.

Friday, May 25, 2007

I'm imfamous on the internetz

Seriously, why do 22 year old men act like 12 year old girls?
Calling me out on your blog, which has a semi-big readership, only due to the fact that your cousin, who actually has a skill at writing intresting things that apply to many people across cultural, religious and age lines, has linked your webpage several times? And saying that I just used you to meet your cousin? I'm pretty sure that the only reason I met her was becuase you used her to have me hang out with you. Now who's the douche?
Ugh. Screw you.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Hello World

Its amazing, isn't it? What it takes to make us realize how short life is? And how freaking fagile every moment is and how we need to hold on to it.
Today, I was driving. I was zoning out becuase I didn't sleep last night really (more on that later) and I don't drive the road I was on very much, and I totally almost got into a wreck because there was a stop sign and I was going like, 40, and I didn't see it till there was a car coming across the street and yeah. I slammed on my breaks (haha. we got new tires on the car like 5 hours later, unrealted to the fact that i probally wore them bald by breaking that hard) and the sound of the screaching over iron and wine was an experince that woke me up. My hands were shaking for the next 10 minutes. It was nuts. I realize that I do that a lot: zone out and live my life until something forces me to open my eyes and pay attention to my sourrondings.
Anyways, about last night. I babysat, then went and talked to one of my highschool friends for a while at Boston's, my old place of work, and then I went over to ex's house. WHY do I always do this to myself? Its like, okay, he screwd you over SO badly, but you just want to see whats up with him. I knew what was going to happen. I ended up blaming him for everything, saying everything that I was angry about, calling him a coward and basically tearing him down. And I did all this while we were laying side by side in eachothers arms. And he said he was sorry. And it didn't make me feel any better. And I don't understand why I always do this to myself. I didn't cry. I probally should have. With him, its hard for me to get the closure I need to, becasue I was so stupid when it came to our realationship. And he was stupid too. And we both moved too fast and wern't ready for what happened, and we both realize that now. And its so odd talking to your ex like that. Its so odd being able to be civil, and not cry, and not yell. We just talked. And I aksed him why, and he told me the best he could. And I guess I'll have to call that good because there really isn't anything I can do about it now. And its over and I'm going to have to be okay with that. And I really think I am. Its not like he was this amazing guy who I can't live without. In fact, I'm not really sure why I dated him. Him and I are SO similar and we were bound to butt heads, and butt heads we did. I wish we had just been friends, because I have a feeling we would have been really good friends. He has some serious issues that I should have seen as red flags that would have made the relationship not work, but I am really good at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. I seriouly am SO dumb sometimes. But anyways, I think I've moved on to better things now, and that I know that. I think seeing him for that last time was probally the best thing I could have done because yeah, I know what he is and I know what I can have and I know that I would rather have someone else because he just isn't right for me.
Speaking of someone else, EWC is doing well. He's speaking spanish now! Nuts! They changed it halfway thru his mission, which is odd, but I guess the prez thought he could handle it because he's just such an awesome guy, and a hard worker. And I'm pretty sure I just need to marry him when he gets home. Because I think he's prefect. AHH! I can't wait for this year to go by as fast as humanly possible. Seriously. And then I can have the boy of my dreams.
Hopefully during the next year I can become the girl of his.

Monday, May 21, 2007


I love letters.
I got one from EWC today. Still watiing on Elder's, but EWC's was amazing.
He apparently is now going to be speaking spanish! How nuts is that? Half way thru his mission and he's changing languages! Crazy!
I seriously think he's like, amazing. AHHH! AHHHH! lol. I dunno what else to say. I can't wait for him to get home and be my boy forever and ever. :-)
Other than that, everything is just peachy. I love my life.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

wonder of wonders

I am in love with a boy I've never met.
Oh well.
EWC is gone, back to Chicago for the second half of his mission. This makes me sad because I can't talk to him for hours at a time and make hopeful amazing plans, but at the same time, I know it is exactly where he needs to be. He is an amazing missionary who really cares about what he is doing, and I love that fact. I love that he is a hard worker and has this testimony... this rock hard testimony that just shows thru everything he is saying and doing by just being the foundation of his world. I love that. So much. I want to learn how to have that. I know I have a testimony, but I want one that is my very existance. Imagine that. It would be amazing.
Summer is going well, other than the fact that I have to do school. Boo that. It sucks. But I LOVE my class. Its SO SO SO SO intresting and awesome. My teacher is a total hippy and yeah. I love it. I don't like my online stats course. I am the worst self-paced, self-motivated learner ever. I'm pretty sure that if all my classes were like my Psych class (every day for three hours, and the only class I was taking... well... maybe one more) I would make WAY better grades. I am so bad at telling myself to do work. I have to be forced to go to class (attendance points are always a plus for me, because then i go, and by going I learn) and then yeah, everything is fine. Online? SUCKS. For serious.
I am excited to go back to provo and see how things work out this school year. I think it'll be fun to see where everything leads me and where I am a year from now. It looks like I'm probally doing a study abroad in Rome during fall semester of 2008, which should be a freaking blast. If everything goes well, Wayne will probally go too. Rock it. Its CHEAP for a study abroad-- only like, 7,000. YAY!
Okay, I have to go do stats. More later.
Love and kisses

Sunday, May 6, 2007


I'm waiting on EWC to call me. He said like... an hour and a half ago that he'd call me back in an hour, and that he had to do something, so he must be held up doing whatever he is doing. He'll call me back eventually, and we'll talk long into the night about random things and life in general.
He really is an amazing boy. And maybe its because he's semi a missionary still that I think that, but I can't wait to meet him face to face. I feel like I know him as well as I know myself.
Okay, its the next day, and he called and wow.
We talked for three hours. He seriously is awesome. We decided that yes, we are odd. We like eachother and we've never met. And we plan on dating when he gets back. I'm going to write him the rest of his mission.
I don't know exactly whats goin on, but I can't wait to see where this goes.
He likes me for ME, not for my looks or how I dress. He likes my thoughts and he likes my mind. He knows all my hopes and fears and knows what I want out of life. And, he likes his steak medium rare.
Maybe I'm dumb, but this kid? He's pretty cool.

And yes, RM boy is still semi in the picture, but he dosen't give me butterflies. It doesn't make my heart skip a beat when I see its him on the caller ID. I dunno.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Oh Boy

Oh boyyyyy
Oh boy Oh Boy Oh Boy.
Boyfriend and I broke up. I'm not really mad. Its whats best for him. And anyways...
RM boy is now in the picture, large an in charge.
Its been SO long since I've fallen this hard this fast. Like, um, I'd say almost exactly a year ago is the last time I felt this way, and I think that was a total load of crap. Like, he hurt me so bad that I'm not even sure the feelings I had were ever really there. Like, I did stupid things and things I regret, even tho I regret nothing in life, all because of these feelings.
I think I have a tendancy to make rash decisions.
I think I don't think before I leap.
I'm SO GLAD I am going home and not seeing him for 7 weeks, because if I really like him, then when I get back I'll know.
I think I really like him.
He is like, amazing. Like holy crap. Like.. oh my gosh.
I've never said this before, because it sounds semi-silly, but I feel safe when we are kissing. I feel like he would never try to take advantage of me or try to push things to far. I feel like he is this awesome guy who wants to be with me and wouldn't ever hurt me on purpose. Like, if we were ever to part ways, it would be because of something mutual, because we didn't feel that we belonged togehter.
He asked me out last night, and I said no.
I'm leaving for 7 weeks, and as much as I like him... as much as I think he is this wonderful boy who is taking my world by storm, I just can't be with someone for 7 weeks not seeing him when I've only known him for as many days as weeks before I leave. But boy oh boy, I like him.
Like, I dunno. I get this feeling when I'm thinking about him. My heart beats a little faster. I get this stupid grin on my face. I just want him here right now so I can give him the biggest hug of all time.
Its a little bit scary because he is marriable. He is someone who I could spend the rest of forever with. He is someone who not only has potential, but is a pretty great guy now.
And then I think... I'm 19 years old. I'm not ready for all this. I am writing like, 7 missionaries. I'm not supposed to get into a serious relationship until Wanye or David or Phil gets home and its supposed to be with them. I'm supposed to marry someone who I've known for a long long time.
And I know this whole rant is a little premature, seeing as I've known him for... um.. 5 days. And that we aren't even boyfriend girlfriend (my choice on that one, I guess) but I dunno.
I just dunno.
I guess we'll see how this all plays out.