Friday, January 26, 2007


I am really happy.
Content with what is going on.
I think instead of going out tonight, I'm going to go to the library and enjoy some study time by myslef.

I have really awesome friends.
Ones here (Yoko, Steph, B-lyn)
ones elsewhere (mar, rad, lala)
and even ones i have yet to meet.
Friends are definatly one of the areas in life I have been blessed with. I can make friends pretty eaisly, and I can keep them when they are important and respectful to me.

Its wierd how truthful the "You never know what you had till its gone" statement is.
At least, thats how I see it.
As humans, I think we take everything forgranted, which isn't really a good thing, nor a bad thing since we all do it. I think that sometimes, we don't take time to listen to ourselves. We only listen to what others say about our situation. We always want someone elses advice, but the truth is, they aren't us and they can't give us the advice we want/need. We really have to look inside ourselves for this.
Example: I dated David my Junior year in High School. He was a senior. I think we were togehther 3 months. I really really liked the kid, and for once, so did my parents. He ended up breaking up with me because his best friend, Katie, hated me. whatev. it was pretty hard on me because I really liked the kid and the break up came out of left field.. the week before Valentines and the Sweetheart dance at school and everything. We still went to the dance, and that was super akward, and went out on Valentines, and it was the craziest night of my life. I had rehersal till 7, then we went out to dinner at one of our fav. restraunts and got italian gelatto and then we went to our park and ended up kissing. He gave me the best kiss of my life that night. It was the kind of kiss you see in movies. My knees got weak, time slowed, and in that moment everything was perfect. That was the last time I saw him for almost a year. Then, we went to lunch and to see a movie right before he left for college, then he left on his mission about a year after that. He is an all around good guy, other than the whole breaking up with me thing.
Anyways, the point of this story is that we started writing each other a couple of months ago. He has said that I am the reason he is on his mission, and that he wants to take me out to dinner when he gets back home, and in the letter/package i got today, he sent me a collage of pics from his mission (which is actualy totally cute) and in his letter he says, "it is true that you were a big influence in my fact I talk about you a lot... like today I was talking ot Elder Wayne Christensen (my best friend for life) all about you... and I realized that you have been my favorite girlfriend/girl I know... even though we haven't really talked a lot since we broke up... " and the later says "so you're pretty much not even going to recognize me when i get home.. Elder Christensen, you know my BFF, has been showing me how to work out, and pretty much I'm going to be HUGE! In 17 months you're going to see me and be like OH, DANG! And not to be prideful or anything but you're pretty much not going to be able to resist me... HAHAHAHA" So yeah. I dunno. From my point of view, he sees now that I was pretty much the best girlfriend ever (well, I was. for real. i did everything for him!) and misses me and my awesomeness.
The complicated part: Elder.
David gets home 4 months before Elder. What if David and I start dating? Where does that leave Elder? I know that I am NOT waiting for Phil... I am just not going to get involved with anyone unless they are as good as him... and is David? Thats something that I don't know. I guess I have over a year to figure it out, since David doesn't get back for 17 more months, but its not like its something that I'm not going to worry about! Its akward, ya know. Do I tell David I have a missionary and ask him to back off a bit, even tho he's not really coming on strong or anything? Do I tell Elder what David said? Do I just go die? Who knows.
I do know that I really have to go pee and I'm going to take a bath and read my book.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

With Valentines coming up and all..

I thought it would be a good time to name all the "Valentines" I've had and tell ya where they are now.
Last year: I didn't really have one. I think I worked on Valentines. I don't even remember. Psh. I was working 2 full time jobs. I had no time for boys. I wish I hadn't gotten involved with boys at all until... ever. hah. My life would be so much eaiser.
2005: David. Well, kindof. He broke up with me the week before Valentines, but we still went out on the actual date. It was really odd, since we were allready broken up, but we kissed. And it was the single best kiss I've had in my entire life (up to this point) It made me weak at the knees like I have't been since. We went and laid in the arts center park and listened to all the cars go past, and a firetruck went by, and we laughed for what must have been ten minutes. It made breaking up eaiser, but so much harder at the same time, because I couldn't see HOW he could kiss me like that and still not want to be with me. It hurt, but we are friends now. He is on his mission.. he'll be back in 16 months. We write and its fun and I'm sending him a valentines present. hah. Anyways, I had an orch rehersal that night, and then we went to umm.. its closed now, oh, BDs because it was the most amazing food ever. And then we got icecream at Pachigioes and sat outside and talked for a while. The weather wasn't too cold. It was nice. Then we went to the park.. and yea. After that, we went to my house and finished up his application for BYU. He recently wrote me that I am the reason he is on his mission, and had I not pushed him to go to BYU he doesn't know where he'd be. That made me feel awesome.
2004: Dylan. So, me and Dylan dated for a year, a week and a day. He is the only boy I've ever loved for sure. I think I love Phil, but it may just be as a friend. I think I'll have to wait till he gets back to know for sure, but I KNOW I loved Dylan. He is an amazing guy. We are SO similar, and he is still one of my most amazing friends. He understands me because we share the same faith, but he gets that I'm not perfect and accepts me for who I am. I remember it snowed this year on Valentines Day, and I went to a drill team compeition to take pictures. They gave me a crappy camera, and I got pretty crappy pictures as a result. Me and Dylan talked on the phone that night: at that point we wern't allowed to date (even tho we had been going out like 5 months) becuase Dylan wasn't 16 yet. He made me a picture of a rose in paint and emailed it to me. It said "happy valentimes day" He misspelled it on purpose b/c he knew it would drive me nuts. Thats just the way we were. I loved it.
2003: HAHA! Like I'd have had a valentine. I was such a loser.
2002: Roman! No kidding! I dated this Russian kid for like two months. He was SO cute, and now he's little mr. frat boy at whatever college he goes to. Bhaha. Good times.
2001: Erik. I was so dumb when it came to this kid. He got me a teddy bear and everything. I thought he wasn't cool enough to like. Boy, I was DUMB.
2000: I was in 6th grade. It was a dry year for me, what are ya gonna do?
I don't feel like going before that, because I can't remember and I probally wanted every boy in my class to be my valentine.
Whats the point of this stupid stupid day?
I think that when I'm married, I shall ban it. I want my husband to show me he loves me every day of the year, and I want to show him, too. Having one day that everyone buys flowers and gets candy makes it so impersonal. I want him to buy me flowers on a random thrusday to let me know he still thinks I'm beautiful, and for him to cook dinner one night and send the kids to a friends house and have a me and him night. I want spontinaity, not valenines. I want my husband to see me and think "man, i love that girl, and she loves me just as much back." I want the love I have to be fierce and real enough to touch. I want to have the kind of love that when people look at us and we have been married 30 years they think that we are newlyweds. I never want to take for granted the fact that the man beside me in bed is my best friend and that he is the father to my children. I think if I am an amazing wife, he'll be an amazing husband and we'll have an amazing marriage. I want to have a beautiful family filled with love as well, and I want to teach them thru example what the true love of a marriage looks like. I don't want to fight, unless it is passionatly with lots of hugging it out and realizing we can disagree and still be madly in love with one another. I want him to sweep me off my feet and to come up behind me when I'm fixing dinner and kiss my neck and hold me tight. I want him to kiss my belly when I'm pregnant. I want him to ask my dad's premission to marry me, before he asks me. I want my mom to like him, and for him to be friends with my brother. I want to be happy watching TV and I want him to not think my feet are gross and massage them. I want him to make silly faces at our babies, and play horsie with the kids for hours on end. I want to see him in the backyard practicing soccer with our kids, and see him reading them bedtime stories before he tucks them into bed at night. I hope that he has a job where he doesn't have to be gone all the time, but if he does that he'll always come back with something cool for each of the kids, even if its as simple as a magnet or peanuts from the plane. I hope he knows that he doesn't have to get me jewlry for me to be happy, but get it for me anyways. I hope he likes what I cook and goes shopping with me at Sams or Costco on saturdays and that we eat lunch there because we are so cheap. I hope that when we have 11:00 or 1:00 church, he'll make pancakes on Sunday mornings and that on mothers day, he'll slip out of bed quitely and wake up all the kids to make me breakfast in bed, even tho I'll totally be awake and waiting by the time they come in to give it to me. I hope he'll let our little girls sit on his lap to watch TV even when they are big enough to hurt a little bit, and that he'll call them princess and show them what kind of prince they deserve. I hope he is superman, not only to our kids, but to me. I know he won't be perfect, but I hope that together we will be for eachother. I want a boy to lay in the grass and watch stars with me, not only when we are first dating, but when we have kids, after they are in bed. I want the kind of love that is legendary, but also the kind that is so ordinary you can't tell at first glance. I want a best friend and an amazing lover. I want someone who makes me feel delicate, and who treats me like he might break me. I want to feel beautiful.
I know there is a lot of I in there, but above all, I want my husband to want this much of me, and for me to fulfil it.
I know I've beeen in love before, but I think that this love, when I find it, will encompass my entire being and show me the depth and reality of love in a way I've never seen.
I am ready for it, but am willing to wait.
Waiting only helps us see what we want, and helps us relalize when we've fond something truly speaical.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

On Mormonism

So, in case you didn't gather from my last post, I'm Mormon. It is simply put, the most amazing religion on the face of the planet. Every thing I learn about it, everything that I come to know makes me so glad to be a member of it.

So, I sinned, once upon a time. Okay, let me rephrase that. I sinned serioulsy once upon a time. It wasn't too long ago, but it wasn't recently at the same time. I learned a lot from it, more than anything that serious sin is not fun. It may seem fun while you are doing it, but even then its not. I'm telling you this because it is relevant. I went and confessed to my bishop tonight. I feel SO much better, its unreal. I started last week, and we had a follow up this week and another next week and we'll go from there. My bishop is such a caring and understanding man, and I've known him for about a week. I love that in this church, the Bishops are really called from God. It amazes me that both the wards I've been in here have had such loving bishops. Anyways, to make a long story short, I feel so much better! It really used to bug me that I had to confess my sins to someone else, but it makes sense now. You should be close enough with God that you don't HAVE to confess because you feel that you are forgiven when you ask for it, but you should also be close enough with God to know that he commands us to do things for a reason, and that reason is that your bishop needs to know what is going on in your life in order to best serve you. Bishop never condemned, he never said I was a bad person. Just the opposite. He said that if anything, Christ loves me for for getting everything off my chest and out in the open. The only hard thing is that only one person knows that I confessed out of my friends, and its my friend B who has to confess some stuff too. Not even my roomate knows what I'm doing, nor does she know any of the reasons why I would need to confess. Roomie is SO awesome. I feel so happy that we got assigned to eachother, because she has become such a great friend and example to me these past few months.

Anyways, its late. Imma get to bed.

Hugs and Kisses

Friday, January 12, 2007

"A Private Learning Space"

So basically, I am doing this because my Pscyh class is supposed to. Its all good. I'm glad its an assinment. I love love love writing, and so this should be fun. I won't ever reveal my name or stuff, but you'll probally get to know my pretty dang well thru this. Probally I'll only be the only one who can ever read this, so pretty much, I'm writing to myself as an auidence. Word up.

SO! Lets get this journal entry started, shall we?

This past week has been great. We finally got moved into our new dorm room and the room is CLEAN! AHH! I love it, and I think being organized will help me a lot. I just need to do some home work this weekend, which is all good since I have monday off, and will hopefully get a couple of papers written. I want to get both of my religion papers done this week so I don't have to worry about religion other than worring for almost a month. That'll be pretty sweet. My classes are going to be semi-hard this semester, but they all involve writing (except my anthro class) and I don't even have tests in my Pscyh classes, which is sweet! Yay for papers!
Tonight, I hung out with Blonde Boy. Boys are SO confusing, to say the least. We are going on a date tomm night, so I guess we'll see how that goes, eh? Meh, whatev. I really do need to focus on my studies this semester.
So, I think what I'm going to do is every day this next week I am going to explain one thing about myself. Today it shall be Elder. No, thats not his real name, but he is on his mission, so thats what we'll call him.
So, Elder and I met two and a half years ago at a youth leadership congress in DC called HOBY. He has been my friend for these past 2 years and I went to prom with him my Jr Year, which is saying something since he lives a thousand miles away from me. Anyways, he left on his mission at the very end of September this year, and will be gone till probally the start of October in 2008. He is pretty much the boy I want to marry. Two years certianly is a long time, but I think in the long run, he is worth every minute. Lets be frank here, if I meet someone as good as him who is a Returned Missionary, I would totally get married while he is gone, but he is such a great guy. His letters make me giddy for a week, no joke. He is beautiful inside and out. He is tall, he has pretty eyes, and he is a really great friend, which is the most important thing I look for in a boy. I don't know exactly how it is possible for me to love him, without having ever dated him since we lived so far apart, but in the month we lived 20 mins away from eachother before he left, it was like, boom. We didn't kiss, we didn't hold hands, we were just friends. I told him how I felt, and he responded in all the right ways. He was kindof mean to me at one point, but after we talked, it all changed. He doesn't take me for granted anymore, which is totally awesome. He tells me that he loves me and that I am a great friend. He told me that he knows two years is a long time, but that he hopes it all works out in the long run. I wonder how it will work out. I wonder all the freaking time. I don't feel like I deserve him, even a little bit, but I am trying SO hard to become a better person. I am taking all the right steps to get my life in order and to become the type of girl that he deserves to marry. Its hard, but its coming about slowly. I think that maybe, someday, I'll feel worthy to have the love of such an amazing guy.
Allright, its time to go to bed.