Thursday, June 28, 2007

things change so fast.

its amazing. in talking to my friend last night, i realized he is totally right. RM boy was out of my life a good month ago, and I really was waiting for letters in the mail every day, and my heart was crushed every dang day.
now, i don't have to wait for letters, i can call and he's right freaking there. its funny that david's name is the only one i've used the real one for, and now he's the one who has total and complete rule over my heart. which sounds stupid, but oh my gosh.
seriously, i missed him. i missed how goofy he is. i missed how he can see thru all of my crap and get me to tell him the truth that sometimes i deny myself. i missed his family, and how his sibs love me more than him. i missed play fighting. and missed his kisses. oh boy, did i ever miss that.
and this time around, there is nothing to stop us from becoming something serious and amazing. and that scares the living daylights out of me, but at the same time, i know that if it ends up that way, thats how its supposed to be. he's an amazing guy and i'd be lucky to have him as mine.
more on this subject later, i have to get to class.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

back in utah.
hung out with david tonight.
this is gonna be one intresting summer.

Monday, June 18, 2007

david got sent home from his mission.
i am in shock.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Life, its gonna be big.

I have the Nancy Drew soundtrack on right now, while I unwind before I go to bed. I bought it tonight at walmart. I miss the Provo walmart b/c I know where everything is. So yeah, I'll be going when I get back, so that'll be a blasty!
I think that I am going to make things look up in my life. I'm sick of not having fun. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck in a rut. I'm going back to my formula for success that I had for last summer: hang out with fun people, date fun boys, and basically have a fun time. Hopefully, people in my new ward will be cool and I'll be able to do this. I am excited to get back and start over.
I wish I would have had time to hang out more with Lala & Joshypoo, but I think everything will be okay. I am sad I didn't meet HT until yesterday, but maybe he'll end up moving out to Utah & we can hang out then. Who knows. Whats ment to happen, will happen. Thats going to be my new mantra.
I am going to try to have a more positive outlook on life.

Friday, June 15, 2007

I have given up dating young guys. The end.

so i just had like, the most amazing time ever.
i went to the singles dance, hoping HT would be there, because hi, he's beautiful.
and guess what? he was there. and wow.
we danced to some country songs, we talked, we ate ice-cream and we decided that it was basically the lamest dance of all time ever.
then, he was like, lets get out of here. so, we left. we didn't really have a destination, so we drove until i decided we should go to the mustangs. and so, we went. and we sat by the water and we talked. and we talked and talked. and then, it started to rain. so we sat in the rain and talked. then we danced in the rain, and splashed each-other in the fountains, then we skipped around holding hands in the rain. it was so way fun. we were soaked, b/c it was raining so dang hard, so we decided to just go take a little dip in one of the lower pools. haha. it was fun. and then, i was sitting up on one of the stone island things, and he was standing in front of me in the water, and he kissed me, and i kissed him back. and it was oh so wonderful. and wow.
HT is an interesting man. He's 29, but looks maybe 25, and he is seriously a really really handsome guy. wow. i'll have to get a picture tomorrow or something (more singles activities). he was married, and he's divorced now, and has been for 2 years. and for some reason, that doesn't bug me, not in the least. is that odd? that this guy is 10 years older than me, and i don't care if he was married? anyways, when he took me home he walked me to the door, with his bare feet and everything, and yeah. it was awesome. wow. and i'll be really sad if he doesn't call or text or come tommorow. because, yeah. he's hott.
and i dunno.
i'm retarded.
but such is life.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


So, I def. am a little disappointed in myself right now. Mainly because I did something I always do that I always end up regretting.
I hate it. Why is that you get stuck in a vicious circle and can't seem to break out of it?
I'm talking about, of course, giving my heart away too fast. Its out of control and it needs to stop.
I wonder if I'm scared to have my own heart. If like, someone else has to have it or I get antsy or something. Which is stupid, because I always end up getting hurt when someone else has my heart.
I also jump to conclusions a lot, because sometimes conclusions are the easiest thing to believe.
Like, with EWC, he hasn't written me this week. Sure, it could be because he's busy, but he promised I'd get at least 1 letter every week. I think its b/c he's having second thoughts. Like, he's thinking "oh, i never really met her in real life. we just talked on the phone. those feelings i had couldn't be real or meaningful. i was stupid." and i mean, he has every right to think that, but it just sucks. a lot. boo.
As for elder, as much as i don't want to be in love with him, as much as i don't want every word of every letter to count, as much as i want to move on... i can't. that boy owns my soul. I am so in love with him. Everything reminds me of him. I think about him constantly. I have to stop myself from writing him a letter every dang day. Its out of freaking control, but for some reason i don't want to stop. mainly because i'd be giving up on him, and everything that stands for. i have this stupid hope that maybe he'll get home and realize how amazing we'd be together or something.
i guess i have a long time to figure eveyrthing out, but look at how fast the last year went? this year is gonna go even faster b/c i'll be in school the entire time. nuts.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

I'm done.

I am apathetic to life right now, and that doesn't look like its changing any time soon. Sorry about that.
The end.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Moving On

I've decided to move freaking on. Elder doesn't care enough about me to actually say anything about his feelings, so I've decided that he isn't worth it. He isn't worth my tears, my pain, or my heart being broken. I don't want dissapointment when it comes to Love... I want fulfillment and happiness and smiles and romance. I know that I really can't ask all of that of him, seeing as he's 3,000 miles away or something, but he could at least .. I dunno... actually act like he cared or had concern for what is going on. It doesn't matter why anymore. I'm sick of trying to guess his motivation and his thoughts. I'm going to get up, wipe off my sorry self, and walk on down the road. I think it'll be the best way for me to figure out what I want.
EWC, well. I dunno. Well, I do. He's amazing. And I like him. And I can't wait for him to get home. And I want him to go to Rome with me. But the problem with that is David. STUPID. David is such a jelous kid, and it just isn't fair that I have to deal with him when it comes to EWC. I mean, if I write EWC more than I write David, he gets mad. So its just lame. I'm going to send him a package or something when I get home (I'm in Tyler, Texas right now) to try to make it up to him. Altho he proally won't care since I'll end up sending EWC almost the exact same thing, but whatev. I think I'll give up trying to figure that kid out too. EWC said that David regrets ever breaking up with me, which may be part of the problem. He isn't over me. And it isn't fair that EWC has to be stuck in the middle of all this crap.
Anyways, I need to do some Stats.