wow

all these thoughts and feelings going thru me are too much to contain.
i have to go take a test in 20 minutes. i've been studying for about 4 hours, probally. my head hurts. i got over 1000 dollars worth of stuff done to the truck so now that beast is in tip top shape. i was in auto stores all day. there is something attractive about a boy covered in grease from working on my car. young boys, too. boys my age. i wonder if i could ever do that. work in a place where i know that i will be at forever. to work someplace where i use my hands. sometimes, i wish i could stop college and find out if i could cut it doing something like that. other times i think i have to do college. most days i just live and try to get by. if i don't like it, i can always just suck it up and live with it for the next two years. then i'll be done with my degree. then i'll be married.
yepp, you read that totally right.
david. me. married. woah. i know, big deal, huh?
10 more days and he is mine and he's not going to leave me ever again. i miss him so much my heart is about to explode.
there is this gavin degraw song called nice to meet you and its sung like its being spoken to someone. and it tells them that they are wonderful and attractive, but that its too late, he is allready in love and he can't even think about another person. thats how i feel. i can look at a boy now and think, wow, he's really cute and thats it. i feel like david is my other half. i feel like he knows exactly who i am and he can look into my soul without me telling him to. i feel like he knows what i want better than i do. he knows that all i want is joy, and he knows that he can give that to me. i feel like he really loves me for me. we had a long long talk about marriage, and i'm sure chicago will bring more long talks and i look forward to every moment of them. there is just this huge thing taking over my life, and i'm pretty sure its a thing called love. its terrifying. its something that i don't know if i've ever felt in this way before. i know i've loved people before, but this is for real. this is forever. this is for life. this is the boy i want to have a family with and grow old with and worry about money and life with. i seriously feel like this is happy. i feel like this is what i need. i feel like this is the love i've been waiting for, and it was there all along, just hiding under the surface. there was something big waiting to happen with that boy and me in high school, and it just got put off for two years.
yes, i'm scared to death. yes, i know i'm young. yes, i know he got sent home from his mission 6 weeks ago, and yes i know he has a lot of stuff going on with his family, but i feel like its going to be okay. we are honest and open about our fears and our hopes and our problems. this realationship is going to be one based on trust and truth. its going to be based on love. its going to be one based on knowing from the starting moment what could happen, if things work out the way that they are headed right now, at this very moment.
i don't know when we'll get married. i think that he and i could handle a long term type thing. as in, we date for a long time, get engaged next summer, and then get married the next. that timing would be perfect and amazing, but i dunno. i guess i'm going to play it by ear. i love that with him i can tell him what i'm thinking. i love the he isn't scared by the word marriage. i love that he said flat out he wants to marry me. i dunno. this is all so BIG. i feel like my heart is about to explode. i feel like my entire being is just this differnt thing that has changed in the past 5 days into something new and bigger and better.
i let go of philip. i just let go. i decided that he will never deserve my entire heart, because he has damaged it too much. that boy doesn't know what he wants, so i had to decide what i wanted, and it turned out what i wanted wasn't him. i deserve someone who is crazy about me. someone who stays up at night thinking about me because they want to be with me. someone who tells me i'm beautiful and someone who loves me for, not despite, all of my imperfections. letting go of him was nothing like i thought it would be. it was easy. it was right. i feel free and light and wonderful. i can still be his friend. i can still support him while he's gone. his tape was in the truck, and i listened to it for a little bit today. it made me laugh, it made me smile, but it didn't make me want him. its like i have this new freedom. my heart is finally on the road to healing. my heart is finally ready.
ready for love. ready for life. ready for everything. david will be there with me. i feel like this whole person now. i feel like, even if things don't work out with me and david, i would be okay. as much as i care about the kid, i feel like now i am this entire person. i don't need anyone else. and i think maybe thats why this is so wonderful. i don't need david, i want him. i want him with all my being. i love that i can want him like that. i love that there is no holding back.
life is good right now. i'm finally figuring out who i am, inside. i am figuring out exactly where i stand. i may not know what i want to do for a career right now, i may not know what is going to happen in my life entirely, but i am excited to find out. i am excited to finally go on with life from this point on. i'm excited to have this boy by my side for it all. i'm excited to be me. and that, my friends, is something i am glad for. something i can be proud of.
i don't need anything else today. i am happy with me and thats all that matters.

mmmm

i made some cookies yesterday for a dinner-date type thing because i had an idea for a dessert, so now i have these extra cookies sitting in my apt and i just ate one and oh my gosh. i seriously need to drop out of school and just make cookies.
i also made homemade spaghetti sauce yesterday. it was delish as well.
pretty much, i am going to be the wife ever.
high school musical is the best. i love love love the music from it. ryan has the best voice ever. haha.
i'm in a gooood mood today. i'm about to pick up my paychecks and then i won't be as stressed about money and wooo!
<3

CHI-CA-GOOOOOOOO!!!

I just bought my plane ticket to Chicago. I think it might have been the best $344.34 I've ever spent.
I'm going for 7 days to a city I've never been to with a boy I might be in love with.
Something tells me this is going to be a life-changing college experience. Like one of the things that defines you from that moment on.
I am so excited to LIVE! To finally break free and do what I want to. This is the start of MY life. The start of what I want to do. The start of ME being who I want to be.
I know its a little bit of a waste of money... but our hotel stays are free (thanks to Joe! We love Joe!), and we are going to bring a bunch of snack stuff so we don't have to buy as much in the city. I bet Joe takes us out to lunch or dinner a few times, too. I plan on budgeting my money wisely... hopefully I won't spend more than 200 while I'm there, but I'm budgeting 300 just in case. Not that you care about my finances, but I am pretty much planning this as I go.
I told my parents, too. And they were okay with it. Yay for parents maturing with their children!
I hope this goes well. It shall all be well documented and written about on here. YAY!
OH! AND THE BEST PART!
We are going to have a David & Sabrina's Day Off AKA doing all the stuff in Ferris Bulluer's Day Off. Its gonna be AWESOME! We are gonna go thrifting and get sweet old clothes to wear to look like them and stuff. I'm way way way stoked! I love the David will do random stuff with me that might embarrass regular people. I love that he isn't normal... just like me!
Anyways. Its late and I have to get up early, but I'm just so fired up. Woooooooo.
Its gonna be a good next month.

Dear Philip,

Version 1:
Philip,
Okay this letter probally is going to say some things you don't want to read. Its also a letter I really need to write. I've been talking to a lot of people about it, and I feel like its the right thing to do.
First, I have to admit something. I am hopelessly in love with you. Yes, I know we never dated and yes, I know that you've made me cry, but there are just some things that can't be explained and one of those things is my feelings for you.
Second, don't get mad at David Burgoyne. I made him tell me things. I seriously would have caused him bodily harm had he not given me the information I wanted. You had to know that giving me his number would have concequences. So, don't hold him responsible for telling me - hold yourself resonsible for saying them.
Third, I know I said on the CD that I understood youa re on your mission & shouldn't be thinking about girls, but you not telling me whats going on is slowly killing my heart, so I'm ging to need some answers. And don't you DARE pull the whole "not writing me back for a dang month" thing. I expect a letter with explanations and answers no later than August 6. As in, in my mailbox, buddy. On that date, if I have no letter, I am not writing you another one until I get it. And yes, I realize I'm giving you an ultimatem, but I don't know what else to do. I need some information in order to decide what to do in my life. So yeah, just suck it up, and write me truthfully.
Okay, I need to know some things.
1. David B. told me some very confliciting things. He said you like me, but that I am your backup plan. Backup Plan? Really? Explain.
2. Assuming you have a good explanation for the whole backup plan thing, do you like me?
3. Assuming the answer is yes, would you want to date and see where things go when you get back?
4. Could you ever see up getting married?
5. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says my eternal companion will "support (me) and give (me) encourgament and stregnt." Do you think you could ever do that? Could you help me thru all the bad times?
6. I like David Allen (the one who got sent home from his mission) but I feel like if I started seriously dating him, I'd get married and have all these "what if's" about you. This means if you like me, I wouldn't date him seriously b/c I wouldn't be over you. However, if you don't like me, I could get over you and be fair to him. So, tell me one more time- do you like me?
Okay, the questions that must be answered are 1,2, 3 & 6. 4 & 5 are moer for you to think about. I know its odd me talking about marriage, but pretty much, thats where all serious post-mission relationships lead and I want to go into life with open eyes. If you answer 4 &5 you get bonus points. Also, if the answer to #2 is no, the you just have to tell me and yeah. I'll still write you and be your friend, I just need to know so I can put my heart back together, stop being in love with you, and move on.
Don't say you like me if you are being selfish Don't put me on your rollercoaster for the next 14 months just because you want some letters. This isn't some frivilous girl thing- this is my heart and the love it creates. These are my soul-baring feelings. This is my life
Pretty much, I'm doing a one-way waiting game. I'm waiting for you without knowing if its even worth my time.
Don't be afraid to be honest! If you don't know- then tell me! Just explain the feelings creating the lack of knowledge. Don't be afraid to hurt me eaither- your're hurting me more now by not letting me know whats going on.
The sooner you respond, the sooner this unrest in my soul stops. Remember that.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this now, but I don't see another way of doing this without being in agony for the next 14 months.
Thanks for being you. Its the reason I love you.
Yours, till you tell me otherwise,
Sabrina

Version 2:
Phil,
I have some things I need to talk about, that you probally won't like.
I am in love with. Hopelessly in love. The kind where you don't know what to do because it takes over your entire life.
And I don't blame you for it. I blame my stupid open heart and the way it chooses to betray my o-so-cool I love ALL boys exterior by making me think non-stop about one in particular.
I need your help with this.Mainly, because, if you don't feel the same way, I need to get over you. And it isn't your fault if you don't love me. It isn't your fault if you view me as just a friend. We can't control who we like, or when our heart decides to fall in love. I just need you to be truthful, and tell me what is in that heart of yours so I can decide weather to let my heart continue loving you, or begin the process of moving on. So, let me know. Don't keep me hanging. This is one of those things that is like a scab: it won't heal b/c I keep picking at it, and I need some explanations from you to be the bandaid to protect it from my prying fingers. it from my prying fingers. So, please send my bandaid ASAP so I know what to do.
Love,
Sabrina

Version 3:
Phil,
I like you. Do you like me back? Its driving me nuts not knowing.
Tell me the answer, and I'll send you a prize.
Love,
Sabrina.

Version 4:
Phil,
The point of this letter is to let you know that I don't know how you feel about me.
I've been getting diffrent stories from diffrent sources, and would like to heart it from you.
I'm pretty sure you know how I feel, but just in case you devopled a case of amnesia, I like you and think you are pretty cool.
So, if you could tell me whats up so I can stop banging my head against the wall that is your 3 sentance long letters that mean nothing, that would be awesome.
Thanks,
Sabrina.

Version 5:
Philip,
So, this is a pretty important letter. I hope you think about it and write me back honestly and openly.
I was talking to my friend Lyndsi last night, and telling her about you and how confused I am about you.
I told her that there is this big part of me that loves you and that I don't really want to stop, but that there is this other part of me that tells me there is no hope when it comes to you and I should move on.
I also told her that I like David Allen and that I think maybe I could get over you if I date him.
She gave me some good advice. She told me that I can't get over you with David, because then I am depending my happiness on someone else, and that would not be fair to them. She said that if I'm going to get over you, I need to do it before I get into a relationship with another guy.
She also said that I need to figure out if I'm SUPPOSED to get over you. If its really what I need to do.
So, thats where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out if I'm supposed to get over you.
To answer that, I need some help from you.
Mainly, because its hard for me to decide what to do without some imput from you.
Let me preface this by saying your feelings won't affect the frequency or legnth or content (at least not very much) of letters I write to you. You are my friend no matter what.
I think the easiset way to do this is for me to just be straight foreward.
1. Do you like me.
If the answer is no, you don't have to answer the rest of the questions.
2. Am i I really your backup plan? Because I'm not okay with that if I am. I deserve a guy who is crazy about me, not a guy who thinks that if all else fails, I'll be here for him. I deserve to be a first choice.
3. Assuming you have a good explanation for the whole backup plan thing (IE: I was an idiot when I said that. I see now you are amazing and blah blah blah) would you want to date when you get back?
4. If yes to previous question, what do you see happening there?
Thats pretty much everything I need to know.
I want you to know that David Burgoyne had nothing to do with this letter. He told me he was not going to interfere with you and me and that he did not support me asking you questions like these. I understand why he would say that, you are on your mission, but that doesn't mean you have the right to ignore my feelings or cause me emotional stress, and I'm done suffering silently in the name of not being distracting.
Please don't ignore this letter and just not adress these issues. Please don't not write me for a month (That was the month from Hell, FYI. I checked my mailbox with high hopes every day only to have dissapointment come crashing down on me when there was nothing from you)
Just tell me whats up.
I hope you are working hard and having fun.
Love, Sabrina


Any Suggestions? I think the last one is the one I'm going to send. This is killing me.

On a good note, I told David about what I'm doing and he's totally supportive. He wants me to figure out me and wants me to be happy. I love that he is so understanding and open. I love that he is awesome. Yay!

But in the End its right.

David likes me, of that I am sure.
I think I'm going to Chicago and Nauvoo with him (and his fam) and I'm way excited.
Philip is going to lose me, and I hope he realizes that.
I hope he realizes that I am NOT a backup plan and that he lost the best thing that would have ever happened to him.

I hear the train outside. It reminds me of home.
Sometimes I miss it.
Other times I want to run till I can't run anymore. Until the breath stops and I lay down on the side of the road and suck in the sweet summer air.
Most of the time, I sit and do nothing.

Am I ever going to live my life?

Its something unpredictable

Do you ever feel like you can never say the right thing? Like everything out of your mouth is actually the one thing you could say to make a situation bad? Like, you are basically so out of it, so out of touch with the person you are with that you can't say what you need to? And yet, all you want to do is say the right thing? Is let them know they should pick you, but at the same time tell them they can't depend on you? Maybe its the fact that the right thing to say is the thing that will make the situation bad, so maybe I always just say the right thing.

I dunno.

I want to be with some people right now. I want my girls with me to watch stupid movies and hang out and not have to feel something about them. I want a boy who will actually be my friend, not one who I know likes me and complicates everything.

I want to snuggle with boys without feeling attached. I want to have human contact without feeling attachment.

I want Philip to tell me what he really feels, so I won't be left in the dark hurting.
I want David to suck it up and admit that he wants to be with me, or tell me he doesn't and stop calling.
I want Kelly to finally break things off with Ashley, and for us to see what happens and for us to not be scared and to just let it be natural and fun.
I want David B. to freaking not be stupid, and for him to eaither kiss me because he likes me for me, not because I'm the first girl to hang out with him since he's been off his mission, or to just be my friend and not expect anything.
I want Dylan to find a girl to be with who loves him for him and for him to be so happy he won't ever look back.
I want Casey and his Girl to work out and be wonderful togehter.
I want Chase to be my friend, and to find a girl who deserves him.
I want Danny to just be honest with himself, whatever truth that may bring up.
I want Kenny to not flirt if he doesn't mean it, because I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

I wish I could forgive people and not feel hate after all this time, still. I don't know how I've forgiven some people and can't forgive others. Its lame, since the other people did way worse things.

I really want to be a better LDS member. I want to not cuss, I want to not have stupid stupid thoughts, I don't want to ever have any more what if senarios running thru my head. I want the guilt of the past to go away, and for me to feel whole again.

I want to stop eating crap and to work out and to look like all my friends do. I'm sick and tired of being the fattest one. Ugh. At the same time, I want to be comfortable with my body and think people mean it when they tell me I'm beautiful.

Basically, I just want to be happy, and for everyone else around me to be happy, and to know whats going on around me.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

GEEZ.

Today, I almost kissed Phil's missionary companion who just came home.
I swear, my life cannont get any more insane.
fjdakls

yay

i think i'm going to live and let live, or however that stupid thing goes.
good things about david:
he can make me laugh
he calls me and texts me
he admits when he is wrong
he is an amazing kisser
he is honest with me
he holds my hand
he tells me his fears
he has a great family
he talks to me about everything
he lets me vent about stuff
he can be serious
he will play with me
he is beautiful, inside and out
he has a strong testimony
he is a worthy priesthood holder
he wants a family
he will be a great dad
he is loving and caring
he doesn't care when my legs aren't shaved
he lets me use his toothbrush
he isn't afraid to be crafty
he is upfront about his feelings
he thinks i'm beautiful
he learns from his mistakes
he isn't afraid of change
he is spontaneous
there are so many more things that i don't know exactly how to put into words, like how it feels when he kisses me, a mixture of love and tentative longing and newness. i don't know how to explain how he makes me feel more like myself or how he helps me realize things that i didn't know i needed to realize. i don't know how to explain how he is so fun and sad and wonderful all at the same time, and how when i'm with him, i don't want the time to keep ticking by, i just want to live in that moment, with him, forever.
it should be interesting to see where the next 6 months take him and i. i think its funny that both times we've started something, there has been this waiting period. but this time, its more of waiting to see where it goes instead of waiting to kiss, but i think maybe the next 6 months will be good. we'll be able to try and go on dates with other people to see exactly what it is about each other that we like, and make sure it is each other we want to be with. i think its really a good thing that david was so honest about how if we dated for 6 months seriously, we'd want to get married, because it shows that he knows where this may lead and is being upfront about the possibilities this has. i really hope that he comes back to BYU in january (or goes back on his mission) because then we can date and see where it goes for real.
wow. this is all such a big deal. and i'm scared but excited all at the same time.
oh, strawberries. i missed that boy, and hope i don't ever lose him again.