Thursday, December 13, 2007

I'm leaving

I'm going to surpise David and go be sick at his house and let him baby me. And I'm going to get all my studying done there and map out a plan for the next week. I'll be back Saturday, possibly.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Siovhan Tagged Me
A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

5 Things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. Playing soccer every day during recess.
2. Dissecting Squid
3. Playing in Dashey's Forest (it was a sweet game)
4. Rocking every subject but spelling.
5. In love with my teachers younger brother.

5 Things on my to-do list today
1. email my teachers
2. Do research project
3. Write 8 1page response papers
4. Deliver my cookie plates
5. Doctor's appt

5 Snacks I enjoy
1. Dr. Pepper
2. French Fries
3. Celery
4. Waffles
5. Mashed Potatoes

5 Things I would do if I were a Billionaire
1. Pay for my wedding and go alll freaking out. Like, pay for my dress to be made for my reception that is tea-legnth, change where I'm having it to out-of-doors, get married in June instead of August, have sweet presents for all my guests, have my bridesmaids dresses made and pay for them, buy all the groomsmen really nice suits, have a photo booth at the wedding, have it at the arts center in texas, have a mock-tail bar at both receptions, and have dancing with a live band at both receptions.
2. Travel the world for a year (or two) for my honeymoon.
3. Go to the FCI in New York... their culinary arts program, their bakery and pastry program and their bread course, plus all of their extra courses. Thats about 100k right there.
4. Buy a volvo SUV for me and whatever David wants for him and get my parents what they want, too.
5. Buy a sweet sweet house for myself and my hubby, complete with a viking range, two ovens, sub zero fridge, granite countertops, below counter pull-out veggie and fruit drawers, a huge wine cellar stocked (for cooking, sillies) and all the accessories to go along with my sweet sweet kitchen. Also, an awesome guest house for my parents, a separate standard professional kitchen for me teach cooking classes, and a restaurant next door for me to own and run. Oh, and there would be a fire-man pole to slide down somewhere in the house. And there would be a big wrap around porch. And a white picket fence. And a big backyard, with a lake at the end.

3 of my bad habits:
1. Skipping class.
2. Procrastinating.
3. Drinking way too much Dr. Pepper.

5 places I have lived
1. my house in Irving, Utah.
2. Room 606 in U Hall
3. Some hall in Heritage which I have forgotten the name
4. Room 607 in U hall
5. My colony apt.

5 Jobs I’ve had
1. Waitress at Boston's.
2. Carhop at Sonic.
3. Handyman for BYU.
4. Janitor for BYU.
5. Construction worker for my pops.

5 Things people probably don’t know about me
1. I can't sleep with my knees touching.
2. I can't watch Phyllis' wedding on The Office. It makes me sick inside.
3. I am constantly sick. It sucks.
4. I shower two or three times a week. I'm nast, k?
5. I am a small amount obsessed with facebook. Just a small amount.


Wednesday, December 5, 2007


10 things I did this weekend:
Drove to David's.
Went to Boston's (not as good as mine)
Went to Cracker Barrel.
Watched two movies.
Watched food network.
Played in the snow with the kids.
Kissed David.
Took a nap with David after church.
Ate dinner with the girls at my Dad's.
Watched Gilmore Girls

9 things on my to do list:
Figure out what to do about Bridesmaid Dresses. UGGGGHHHHHH. Silly tall girls.
Save the Date cards.
Psych 302
Psych 304
Religion Classes Stuff
Go grocery shopping
Get on a regular sleeping schedule again
Try and figure out classes/when I'll graduate.

8 shows I watched last week:
Iron Chef!
Gilmore Girls
Food Network Edible Christmas Tree Ornament Challange
Food Network Cookie Special
Hannah Montanna
The First Presidency Christmas Devotional
. . . crap. I got nothing else.

7 things I cooked last week:
BEST CAKE EVER for David to take to work
Ramen Noodles
Fried Eggs

6 things I need:
More sleep
Homework to be done
David to be here
Wedding planning to do D.O.N.E.
More time to talk to Mar and Rad
Less complaining

5 reasons to be happy:
David. Philip. Allen.
The fact that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.
My parents rock.
Marie looked slightly hookertastic in the bridesmaid dress.
David. Philip. Allen.

4 things I read last week:
Better Living Through Design.
Some new recipes.
Text books.

3 people I saw last week:
My Pops.

2 things I am thankful for:
My talents.

1 thing I am looking forward to:
Being married to my best friend.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Some Days

I wonder if I'll ever actually go anywhere in life.
I just want to cook. And Bake. And do anything related to food.
School is a joke.
I want David here NOW.
Me and a hottie who lives in the Glenhood need to hang out (you know who you are)
Also, I've noticed that words do not equal action, and actions speak far louder than words.
I bought the "Baby Its Cold Outside" ringtone by Rod Stewart.
I like Jess more than Dean. Does that make me a bad person? I hope not.
It is currently 3:30 am and I'm going to bed.
Good night moon.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I'm SO ready

for things to be right, and for people to realize that they don't know me.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I lied

I think I have a fever now.

Feeling Better

So, the prozac has helped a LOT. I actually did something today!
I've been really really sick the last two days with a sinus-infection-cold thing that has made doing stuff impossible, so I thought that I was maybe not affected by it at all. But today I feel SO much better, and I'm going to get stuff done and be productive. Its like there isn't this wall blocking me now. YAY!
I am figuring out that a true friend is a really neat thing.
Also, David is wonderful. I'm counting down the days till next semester when I can be with him SO much more. Its going to be fantastic.
Okay, shower time.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Eternal Sunshine

I really want to have sunshine in my soul, today, tomorrow and forever.
David brings that sunshine to me.
We went to my grandparents this weekend and it was great. Ate a lot and talked a lot and snuggled a lot on something bigger than a couch. (a bed! oh no, call the honor code!) I just really know that I want to marry him and be with him forever. He is my soul, and owns my entire heart. I had a bad dream one of the nights we were there, and I went in and he held me for a while until I wasn't scared anymore. Well, he slept and let me be near him. He took up the entire bed and kicked me off. I think thats how its going to be when we are married. And he snores a little bit. its more like heavy breathing. Its comforting. He reaches out for my hand when we are driving, or when we are walking around shopping, or whenever. He just always wants to be near me and be touching me, and I am so glad. It makes me feel like he really really wants me. I love it.
He is taking me to see High School Musical on Friday.
If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The Doctor

So, I went to the Doctor today. And he did a check up. I got blood drawn and they will have that back to me on Monday when I go in for my follow up. We talked for a while and he said that a lot of my symptoms were connceted with depression, but that he didn't really want to say anything else until we met again on Monday. So, I came home and looked up symptoms of depression.
1. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
- Sometimes
2. Loss of interest in dailly activities
- Yes
3. Appetite or weight changes
- Yes
4. Sleep changes
- Yes
5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation (feeling keyed up or slowed down)
- Yes
6. Loss of energy
- Yes
7. Self-loathing
- Sometimes
8. Concentration problems
- Yes
9. Irritability
- Not really
10. Aches and pains (headaches, backaches, diarrhea or constipation, abdominal pain, and aching joints)
- Yes

So, yeah. Thats scary. I guess I'll wait till monday to see if there is something else that is wrong that could explain everything. I just want to feel good again.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


My face has been really really hot today. Well, my whole body, actually. It isn't pleasant. And I've been sleeping ridiculous amounts every night and I'm still tired every day. And when I walked up to campus today both of my legs, from the knees down, hurt really bad, like they had fallen asleep and were trying to wake up. I have been getting really bad migraines and stomach ache's, as well as the occasional bout of diarrhea, which is attractive, I know. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to throw up, but when I sit up, my head starts swimming and I know I would pass out before I make it to the toilet, so I have learned how to will myself to stop the nausea that has overcome my body. This mess has been going on for over two weeks.
I am going to get a check up tomorrow, and I'm going to get my blood work done. Something is not right in the land of Sabrina.

In other news, I went grocery shopping and I have milk again, and I'm going to have grapenuts in the morning, with banana on top. Maybe an egg, too, since they are good for you. I also got hummus, which my fridge has been without for far too long, since like summer. Lame on me.

I went tanning yesterday, with my 8 free tans from Gold's Gym that I may have lied to procure, but it wasn't on purpose, so I'm calling it good. I bought tanning lotion, which was dumb, but it reminds me of summer so its all good. I figure since the tanning was free, I might as well spend some money on the lotion. I'm doing this because two weeks from today I'll be laying out on a beach in Cancun celebrating my 20th birthday with good music and literature.

Burgoyne came and played with me on Saturday. That was nice. I'm glad he is my friend. I made him delicious chicken and we watched chick flicks and it was wonderful. But he wouldn't snuggle with me b/c he was scared that David would get mad. But then David came because I had been sick all week last week and snuggled with me instead, which was amazing.

I re-read all of Philip's letters today. David called while I was in the middle of it and I wasn't in the best frame of mind and I know he was worried about me all day, because he is the best fiancé ever. And when I finished reading them, I knew why I am marrying David, not that I didn't know before, but it was confirmed. David won't ever play with my heart or not tell me what he is feeling in his. I love him so much, and know that he is the person I am supposed to marry. Its wonderful.

I went to the temple today for the first time since high school. It felt good.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Dear World

Today is going to be a good week. I don't have anything due in any classes, my midterms are on a weekish long sabbatical to never-never land to return in a couple of weeks, with only one a week in november! hurrah!
Also, one month from today I shall be sitting on the beach in cancun tanning and de-stressing and listening to italian songs on my ipod. it will be fantastical.
I'm going to decide on a reception center this week, and worry about nothing wedding-wise until after Christmas (except bridesmaid dresses and save the date cards) and then life will be good. Stevie is going with me to look at The Point tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to a good chat with her. I love her!
I'm making Italian flash cards. If I don't use them, at least I can sell them. They are snappy!
Also, my room/apt is staying clean. Because I clean it! Almost every day! Now all I need to do is find a good way to organize my books. I might go buy a shelf or something tomorrow at IKEA. Its driving me nuts to have them all over my desk. UGH!
I love my Fiance. He's quite wonderful. And he's going to be the most amazing father of all time.
The end!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Sabrina -

Right now, you are a starting your second fall semester at BYU. I just wanted to remind you of some stuff you learned your first year there.

- Don't tell people about your past unless you are engaged/about to get engaged. Why? It blows up in your face. There are no exceptions here. Period.
- A clean room makes everyone happy, even you.
- Chocolate should be used sparingly. It takes the edge off if you have too much too often.
- Studying works. Cramming only works if you studied.
- Eating late at night? Bad idea.
- Going to bed after midnight? Bad idea.
- Making out with random boys? Bad idea.
- Going to class? Good idea.
- Being friends with boys first? Good idea.
- Hanging out with friends can always happen later. Studying for that test/quiz can't.
- Waking up after 10 am makes you MORE tired.
- Taking naps after 3pm or napes more than 1 hour kill your sleeping schedule.
- A thank you note goes a long way.
- Cooking to put off homework isn't good.
- Bake only 1 dessert a week. And put it on the free for all table.
- Do not take stuff off the free for all table. Seriously.
- Girls are amazing friends. Be a good friend back.
- Don't interrupt when you are listening to someone. The point of listening is to listen. They don't want to hear your stupid story.
- Take out the dang trash before it overflows.
- Read your scriptures every night.
- Pray night and morning.
- You are so lucky. Oh my gosh. Act like it. Stop being such a freaking spoiled brat.
- Don't spend your money on stupid crap.
- Don't be afraid to tell others you need money for stuff.
- Your parents are amazing. Let them know that.
- Stay awake during conference.
- Priesthood blessings are not a sign of weakness.
- Good dates are sitting and talking.
- You don't need to spend money to have fun.
- Your religion class will open your eyes if you prepare and pay attention. Take good notes in a spiral and keep it as a journal too.
- Keep a journal! For seriously, it'll save your life and you will love having it ater.
- Missionaries as friends is the only way to do it. Getting involved with a boy 3,000 miles away by letters only is NOT a good life choice.
- Facebook and Myspace one a day. Close your dang laptop while doing homework and take out the internet cord when you have to use it.
- Taking notes on your laptop is a good idea in theory, but in real life, you screw around.
- The library is awesome. Go there a lot.
- Using people is not cool. Don't justify it.
- Calling is better than texting 9 times out of 10.
- RM's aren't all scary.
- Don't judge a person by their state.
- PreMis are flakey. Deal/Get over it.
- Everyone says squaw peak isn't just for making out, but we know thats a total lie.
- Don't trust everyone right away. Thats the best way to get your heart broken and trust betrayed.
- Jumping into things makes for a messy situation.
- Professors will help you out if you just tell them the situation.
- Make a list of grade goals, then work hard to attain them. When you do, celebrate!
- Taking breaks is a good thing, as long as you are doing something worthwhile to take a break from.
- You can say no. Its okay to say no. Just say no.
- Honesty is the best policy in relationships, grades, religion, work and life.
- Talking to the Bishop isn't scary. Its wonderful.
- Don't hang out with bad people. Surround yourself with people who are like when you want to become.
- Writing missionaries is hard work. Seriously. But its also really rewarding. Keep writing and supporting them.
- Fasting helps you be more spiritually aware.
- At church, actively listen to what is being said. The spirit will testify the things you need to know.
- Bearing your testimony is good, but so is being uplifted by everyone else's.
- Talk to a person for 20+ minutes before you decide you don't like them.
- Talk to a boy for 10+ hours before you kiss him.
- Follow your heart. Don't let the practical bring you down.
- Do stuff for yourself, not for others.
- Don't plan your life around someone else. Its your life... act like it. Take charge.
- Let others know your standards and if they don't respect them, you don't hang out with them. Thats a good way to keep yourself out of trouble.
- The less bad situations you put yourself in, the less likely you are to mess up.
- Making out in a car is not classy.
- Making out in general is not a good idea. It leads to feelings you shouldn't be having.
- Late nights lead to bad judgement. 1:30 should be the cut off time for dates. Midnight is even better.
- Freshman are people too.
- Movies aren't very good dates.
- If you do go to a movie, watch the screen, not the boy or the back of your eyelids.
- People are unique. You can't put them into a category.
- Don't judge people ever. Seriously. You'll be wrong.
- Don't say you'll never do something, or you'll end up doing it.
- Be sensitive to the needs of others.
- Serving others shows your love for them.
- Complaining never solves anything. If you don't like something, fix it.
- If you want something done right, do it yourself.
- Listen to the prompting of the spirit. They aren't random thoughts coming into your head. Act upon them.
- Do your visiting teaching.
- Love yourself. You are a beautiful daughter of God.

I hope you have an awesome year. Don't make the same mistakes I did - learn from them!
Have fun and remember to brush your teeth!
Sabrina (at the end of freshman year)

Sunday, October 14, 2007


So, we (lyndsi, me, david, steevie, brooklyn and some dude... nate? ) played the poetry game. here is some of our awesome work.

The smell of the boy stayed on the sweatshirt
Like the cereal left crusted upon the bowl
Yet the thoughts of the boy were centered on
His co-co pebbles of lovvvvvve.

Big. Fatty. Kankles
are of the lowliest breed
who shall never be seen in capris
except those ones that are hot, sexy, and anklet-ed.

Oh when will that special day come?
will I ever be a walrus bride?
no, because i am but a lowly krill
swimming in the ocean of defeat!

Something... was amiss... in the glen-hood.
the mattress under the stairs was being used.
should i heave them their privacy or call the gestapo?
i think i'll just snuggle til 10:30 in the morning (... hoes.)

good morning my little ones
you are now in big trouble
too many sneaky sugar bon-bons
keep it real

shrimps are burning within my bosom!
and oh how my bosoms longed to be extinguished!
oh how long that run to the john was
and yet the longing was not long enough.

i smell of a slaughtered hanging pig.
because of this, a grave i have to dig.
should i have him a wig in honor of the jig?

whenever you see the one over
you have to stop and think
is the sky really blue or the grass really green>
geez i am not very keen

the car windows were fogged
i guess you could say it was our fault
titanic carriage x100 (talk about a natural made sauna)
good thing we were just boiling water for some noodles

i meet the milk man today
and wonder if i should tell him of the children he fathered
i don't want my milk to be tainted or bothered
so i will just pretend i have nothing to say

dashing young men danced in the candlelight
faster and faster till they began to swirl
until the young women came a little closer
and stuck them in the roaster!

i turned on the camera and my eyes were accosted
i saw it all go down, and almost lost it...
over there and over there
is there anywhere i can go to get free?

the squaw peak parking lot was full
but be found a way to squeeze in
we only needed a little space
we had the scriptures on CD!

big purple pudding pile
riding off into the eternal sunset
jiggling with determination
i shall miss my big purple pudding pile

what else is as white as rice
provo utah is white but nice
bug you can't gamble ie: play with dice
my sexy not so slender upper thigh

i saw a bearded man walking down the street yesterday
he told me that the world was a beautiful place
sike! the carpet is the size of jamaica
and at my my current weight i am bigger!

trickling down the pot of maple syrup
was the lost love of Sebastian's small, short life
what?! crabs in my pancakes?!
said miss baltimore crab...

the sun is shining so bright in my eyes
and as he gazes at me my soul begins to fly
oh what to do with this feeling i have
if only i had shades for my eyes, and a bungee cord for my flapping soul

a redsox hat i wear with pride
o the ocean tide i want to ride
and the redsox go out with the tide

so jordan tall gave me a sunflower...
then took me to where the sun doesn't shine
and we made out till the sun shone again
but who need the sun there's not fun in that

i heard a knock upon the door
and then i peed upon the floor
oh what shall i do with this putrid smell
of this stupid, new hair gel?

red glossy zippers bare no truth
only rumors of what the walls have seen
but the quicker the zipper
the slower the drive

oh how i envy the place he is in
in my arms, touching my lips
so i act like a shark and bite!
he thinks it is kinky

and once, thus the peanut butter clam shells
all began to talk amongst themselves
they told the story of the sea from its birth
oh no kids cover your ears! (earmuffs)

a little game of footsie
went unnoticed for a time
but the i ate a tootsie (...roll)
and he jumped across the line!

how many types of food can he cook?
i don't care, as long as he can kiss
four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie
doesn't really matter, he's fox

who can resist the raunchness of men?
i can, i love the honor code! hurrah!
except when it comes to buff men.
and then they are my biggest flaw.

the girl was a jezebel
mizzle that lizzle jezza bizzle
thats just how we are here on the south side
and thats how i like my chicken breast

my cheeks are flaming
he touched me again
my heart always flutters
when it comes to mustached men

(the best oneeeee)

she touched me again and what should i think
shove some food in my mouth and try not to blink
for her piercing eyes will do me in
to be obese and lustful, oh what a sin!

fun night, even if they ate my ENTIRE CHEESECAKE IN ONE SITTING.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


i just feel horrible about life and stuff in general.
right now i should be doing homework.
i just read some past im's that my gmail account saved between me and paul. it basically was like a punch to the stomach.
i hate that i have made mistakes and they still come back to haunt me, even after such a long time.
i just wish that i could be whole again.
its a process, i know, but its sucking me dry.

Monday, October 8, 2007


so, i'm writing this out here so i'll have it forever, and also so that i can copy/paste it to other places/people.
first, i already knew that it was coming. mainly because david is a horrible liar, and the fact that one morning he said that he didn't take is laptop to school, which obviously meant that he was in Texas getting the ring instead of at school, because he always takes his laptop. silly boy.
okay, so i came home from class on thrusday and there was a note on my door. it said, in a nut shell, that there was a surprise and i had to look at "a journey of our lives" and then go into the kitchen. so, i walked in and there were 30 pictures hanging by string from the ceiling. there were pictures from the day we met, our first date (which i don't remember taking) to dates we had in high school, to chicago to homecoming the weekend before, and on the back of each picture there was a reason why he loves me and a little story. so, i got to the last one and it was way cute, and then i went into the kitchen, and there was a chair with some movies he had borrowed sitting on it. it had a note that said "surprise! i returned your movies!" i was like, lame. so i picked them up and was going to go put them away and there was a white (obviously jewelry) box sitting underneath. i thought it was my ring, and i got all excited, and i opened it and it was a pearl necklace! i had told him i liked it when we were looking at jewelry the week before, but i didn't know he actually got it (he went while i was in class, the sneak) and so i glanced over and he was looking out from the grate of the water heater closet (totally creepy sounding, but it wasn't. he was just seeing what my reaction was. it was cute) and so i opened the door, and pulled him out and had him put on the necklace and gave him a big hug and he was like "today was the day i was going to propose (and at this point, my heart fell to the ground, because i was so sure i was getting proposed to that day) but your dad said i couldn't have the ring" at which point i knew he was a huge liar, because my dad tries to be funny and does crap like that, and so i said "where is my ring! i know you are lying! give it!" and he said "dang! i can't lie!" and so he got down on one knee and pulled out the box from his back pocket, where he had been sitting on it for a good 10 minutes in the closet, and he tried to open it and it wouldn't open, and it was really cute and he finally got it open and said "sabrina, will you marry me?" and i said "no!" and he just looked at me, and i was like "yes, you dork, you know i'll marry you" and he got up and gave me a kiss and we said i love you and yay! i'm offically engaged to the most wonderful boy in the universe!

Monday, October 1, 2007

So Much To Say

and no words to say it with.

Sometimes I feel like I have the entire world at my fingertips and I can't quite reach it. I feel like there is a centimeter between me and things working out the way I want them to. I feel like its all I can do to stay afloat, let alone do anything of worth.

I do have one bright point in my life right now, and that is David. We finally got officially engaged, as in, I have a ring on my finger and everything. This weekend was a really huge test for us, and we both failed it and passed it, even tho I know thats not going to make sense to anyone but me and him. I can tell you that I am more in love with him than ever, and that I know he is the one I am supposed to marry. He is one of the most caring, wonderful people I have ever known. He didn't let me go this weekend, even tho I gave him every reason in the universe to do so. I just love him so much. I have all these doubts sometimes, and all I have to do is talk to him to know that I am making the right choice, no matter how hard it is going to be. He is willing to change to become the kind of person I need, and I am willing to change to be the kind of person he needs. Together we are going to be the kind of people who love and care about each other so much that we can't be unhappy because someone will always be there trying to fill us with all the joy in the world. I very seriously just want to make him happy. I don't want to make him hurt. I want him to know how much he means to me and how wonderful he is.

I have been trying really hard to figure out what I want to do in my life lately. I have been feeling really unmotivated and have no desire to do anything that I'm really supposed to do. This worries me. I feel like I have a really hard time remembering when things are due and stuff.

I'm so tired of this.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Love Love Love Love

The past 2 weeks of my life have rocked. I have been living them to the heavens. I have a boyfriend now. A real, live, official boyfriend who is just about as crazy about me as I am about him. I don't remember ever being this happy.
Seriously. Chicago was amazing. I got to know him SO much better, and I feel like this is real. This is something that is big and in charge and wonderful.
We are getting married. Next Summer. Maybe in August. Wow.
I know, I know. Its going SO fast. But its what I want. I want him. To be mine. For the rest of forever.
He is my other half. He makes me feel happy and high and wonderful. He holds my hands and kisses my nose and holds me close.
He knows my deepest fears. He knows me, and he still loves me.
I know him too.
We have shared our souls, and now they belong to eachother.
All I have to give to him is what I am, and to him, that is good enough.
Seriously. Life is good.

Friday, August 3, 2007

The Future

Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy
I like to plan for the future. I like to have everything all figured out before it actually happens. I like to know exactly where I'm going and how I'm going to get there.
Up until this point, I could make all the plans in the world I wanted for the future and know that they wouldn't work out that way.
Now, it is totally diffrent. I have plans. I have huge, wonderful, amazing plans that will work. That will actually come to pass.
I am going to get a promise ring. Probally at the start of next year. Maybe at the end of this year. I'm going to get engaged at the end of next summer, maybe the start of next fall. I'm going to get married next summer, possibly in May.
This is all so huge. This is all so real. It is amazing to me that all this is happening. The best part is the fact that I am not rushing into this. I know what I am doing. I know where I am going. We are going to date before all of this comes to pass. We are going to get to know eachother ever better. I feel like I am complete. I fell like he was this other half of me that was missing. I feel happy. And I think thats the biggest thing. I feel content happy, as well as the whole twitterpated thing. I feel like this is something good and right and meant to be.
As for Phil, well. I think I'm really over him. I got a letter from him today. He sent pictures. He's not as cute as I remember. He's not out of my league. I am most def. cute enough for him and I am also most def. not backup plan material, at least for him. So, I got the letter and I didn't get the same feelings I usually get. The pictures are cute... one of them he found a sign that almost spelled my name and he added an A to the end with his hands and it made me smile, but my heart doesn't ache for him the way it used to. Its such a liberating feeling.
Only 7 days till I see my boy, and then he's mine mine mine.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


all these thoughts and feelings going thru me are too much to contain.
i have to go take a test in 20 minutes. i've been studying for about 4 hours, probally. my head hurts. i got over 1000 dollars worth of stuff done to the truck so now that beast is in tip top shape. i was in auto stores all day. there is something attractive about a boy covered in grease from working on my car. young boys, too. boys my age. i wonder if i could ever do that. work in a place where i know that i will be at forever. to work someplace where i use my hands. sometimes, i wish i could stop college and find out if i could cut it doing something like that. other times i think i have to do college. most days i just live and try to get by. if i don't like it, i can always just suck it up and live with it for the next two years. then i'll be done with my degree. then i'll be married.
yepp, you read that totally right.
david. me. married. woah. i know, big deal, huh?
10 more days and he is mine and he's not going to leave me ever again. i miss him so much my heart is about to explode.
there is this gavin degraw song called nice to meet you and its sung like its being spoken to someone. and it tells them that they are wonderful and attractive, but that its too late, he is allready in love and he can't even think about another person. thats how i feel. i can look at a boy now and think, wow, he's really cute and thats it. i feel like david is my other half. i feel like he knows exactly who i am and he can look into my soul without me telling him to. i feel like he knows what i want better than i do. he knows that all i want is joy, and he knows that he can give that to me. i feel like he really loves me for me. we had a long long talk about marriage, and i'm sure chicago will bring more long talks and i look forward to every moment of them. there is just this huge thing taking over my life, and i'm pretty sure its a thing called love. its terrifying. its something that i don't know if i've ever felt in this way before. i know i've loved people before, but this is for real. this is forever. this is for life. this is the boy i want to have a family with and grow old with and worry about money and life with. i seriously feel like this is happy. i feel like this is what i need. i feel like this is the love i've been waiting for, and it was there all along, just hiding under the surface. there was something big waiting to happen with that boy and me in high school, and it just got put off for two years.
yes, i'm scared to death. yes, i know i'm young. yes, i know he got sent home from his mission 6 weeks ago, and yes i know he has a lot of stuff going on with his family, but i feel like its going to be okay. we are honest and open about our fears and our hopes and our problems. this realationship is going to be one based on trust and truth. its going to be based on love. its going to be one based on knowing from the starting moment what could happen, if things work out the way that they are headed right now, at this very moment.
i don't know when we'll get married. i think that he and i could handle a long term type thing. as in, we date for a long time, get engaged next summer, and then get married the next. that timing would be perfect and amazing, but i dunno. i guess i'm going to play it by ear. i love that with him i can tell him what i'm thinking. i love the he isn't scared by the word marriage. i love that he said flat out he wants to marry me. i dunno. this is all so BIG. i feel like my heart is about to explode. i feel like my entire being is just this differnt thing that has changed in the past 5 days into something new and bigger and better.
i let go of philip. i just let go. i decided that he will never deserve my entire heart, because he has damaged it too much. that boy doesn't know what he wants, so i had to decide what i wanted, and it turned out what i wanted wasn't him. i deserve someone who is crazy about me. someone who stays up at night thinking about me because they want to be with me. someone who tells me i'm beautiful and someone who loves me for, not despite, all of my imperfections. letting go of him was nothing like i thought it would be. it was easy. it was right. i feel free and light and wonderful. i can still be his friend. i can still support him while he's gone. his tape was in the truck, and i listened to it for a little bit today. it made me laugh, it made me smile, but it didn't make me want him. its like i have this new freedom. my heart is finally on the road to healing. my heart is finally ready.
ready for love. ready for life. ready for everything. david will be there with me. i feel like this whole person now. i feel like, even if things don't work out with me and david, i would be okay. as much as i care about the kid, i feel like now i am this entire person. i don't need anyone else. and i think maybe thats why this is so wonderful. i don't need david, i want him. i want him with all my being. i love that i can want him like that. i love that there is no holding back.
life is good right now. i'm finally figuring out who i am, inside. i am figuring out exactly where i stand. i may not know what i want to do for a career right now, i may not know what is going to happen in my life entirely, but i am excited to find out. i am excited to finally go on with life from this point on. i'm excited to have this boy by my side for it all. i'm excited to be me. and that, my friends, is something i am glad for. something i can be proud of.
i don't need anything else today. i am happy with me and thats all that matters.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


i made some cookies yesterday for a dinner-date type thing because i had an idea for a dessert, so now i have these extra cookies sitting in my apt and i just ate one and oh my gosh. i seriously need to drop out of school and just make cookies.
i also made homemade spaghetti sauce yesterday. it was delish as well.
pretty much, i am going to be the wife ever.
high school musical is the best. i love love love the music from it. ryan has the best voice ever. haha.
i'm in a gooood mood today. i'm about to pick up my paychecks and then i won't be as stressed about money and wooo!

Monday, July 23, 2007


I just bought my plane ticket to Chicago. I think it might have been the best $344.34 I've ever spent.
I'm going for 7 days to a city I've never been to with a boy I might be in love with.
Something tells me this is going to be a life-changing college experience. Like one of the things that defines you from that moment on.
I am so excited to LIVE! To finally break free and do what I want to. This is the start of MY life. The start of what I want to do. The start of ME being who I want to be.
I know its a little bit of a waste of money... but our hotel stays are free (thanks to Joe! We love Joe!), and we are going to bring a bunch of snack stuff so we don't have to buy as much in the city. I bet Joe takes us out to lunch or dinner a few times, too. I plan on budgeting my money wisely... hopefully I won't spend more than 200 while I'm there, but I'm budgeting 300 just in case. Not that you care about my finances, but I am pretty much planning this as I go.
I told my parents, too. And they were okay with it. Yay for parents maturing with their children!
I hope this goes well. It shall all be well documented and written about on here. YAY!
We are going to have a David & Sabrina's Day Off AKA doing all the stuff in Ferris Bulluer's Day Off. Its gonna be AWESOME! We are gonna go thrifting and get sweet old clothes to wear to look like them and stuff. I'm way way way stoked! I love the David will do random stuff with me that might embarrass regular people. I love that he isn't normal... just like me!
Anyways. Its late and I have to get up early, but I'm just so fired up. Woooooooo.
Its gonna be a good next month.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Dear Philip,

Version 1:
Okay this letter probally is going to say some things you don't want to read. Its also a letter I really need to write. I've been talking to a lot of people about it, and I feel like its the right thing to do.
First, I have to admit something. I am hopelessly in love with you. Yes, I know we never dated and yes, I know that you've made me cry, but there are just some things that can't be explained and one of those things is my feelings for you.
Second, don't get mad at David Burgoyne. I made him tell me things. I seriously would have caused him bodily harm had he not given me the information I wanted. You had to know that giving me his number would have concequences. So, don't hold him responsible for telling me - hold yourself resonsible for saying them.
Third, I know I said on the CD that I understood youa re on your mission & shouldn't be thinking about girls, but you not telling me whats going on is slowly killing my heart, so I'm ging to need some answers. And don't you DARE pull the whole "not writing me back for a dang month" thing. I expect a letter with explanations and answers no later than August 6. As in, in my mailbox, buddy. On that date, if I have no letter, I am not writing you another one until I get it. And yes, I realize I'm giving you an ultimatem, but I don't know what else to do. I need some information in order to decide what to do in my life. So yeah, just suck it up, and write me truthfully.
Okay, I need to know some things.
1. David B. told me some very confliciting things. He said you like me, but that I am your backup plan. Backup Plan? Really? Explain.
2. Assuming you have a good explanation for the whole backup plan thing, do you like me?
3. Assuming the answer is yes, would you want to date and see where things go when you get back?
4. Could you ever see up getting married?
5. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says my eternal companion will "support (me) and give (me) encourgament and stregnt." Do you think you could ever do that? Could you help me thru all the bad times?
6. I like David Allen (the one who got sent home from his mission) but I feel like if I started seriously dating him, I'd get married and have all these "what if's" about you. This means if you like me, I wouldn't date him seriously b/c I wouldn't be over you. However, if you don't like me, I could get over you and be fair to him. So, tell me one more time- do you like me?
Okay, the questions that must be answered are 1,2, 3 & 6. 4 & 5 are moer for you to think about. I know its odd me talking about marriage, but pretty much, thats where all serious post-mission relationships lead and I want to go into life with open eyes. If you answer 4 &5 you get bonus points. Also, if the answer to #2 is no, the you just have to tell me and yeah. I'll still write you and be your friend, I just need to know so I can put my heart back together, stop being in love with you, and move on.
Don't say you like me if you are being selfish Don't put me on your rollercoaster for the next 14 months just because you want some letters. This isn't some frivilous girl thing- this is my heart and the love it creates. These are my soul-baring feelings. This is my life
Pretty much, I'm doing a one-way waiting game. I'm waiting for you without knowing if its even worth my time.
Don't be afraid to be honest! If you don't know- then tell me! Just explain the feelings creating the lack of knowledge. Don't be afraid to hurt me eaither- your're hurting me more now by not letting me know whats going on.
The sooner you respond, the sooner this unrest in my soul stops. Remember that.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this now, but I don't see another way of doing this without being in agony for the next 14 months.
Thanks for being you. Its the reason I love you.
Yours, till you tell me otherwise,

Version 2:
I have some things I need to talk about, that you probally won't like.
I am in love with. Hopelessly in love. The kind where you don't know what to do because it takes over your entire life.
And I don't blame you for it. I blame my stupid open heart and the way it chooses to betray my o-so-cool I love ALL boys exterior by making me think non-stop about one in particular.
I need your help with this.Mainly, because, if you don't feel the same way, I need to get over you. And it isn't your fault if you don't love me. It isn't your fault if you view me as just a friend. We can't control who we like, or when our heart decides to fall in love. I just need you to be truthful, and tell me what is in that heart of yours so I can decide weather to let my heart continue loving you, or begin the process of moving on. So, let me know. Don't keep me hanging. This is one of those things that is like a scab: it won't heal b/c I keep picking at it, and I need some explanations from you to be the bandaid to protect it from my prying fingers. it from my prying fingers. So, please send my bandaid ASAP so I know what to do.

Version 3:
I like you. Do you like me back? Its driving me nuts not knowing.
Tell me the answer, and I'll send you a prize.

Version 4:
The point of this letter is to let you know that I don't know how you feel about me.
I've been getting diffrent stories from diffrent sources, and would like to heart it from you.
I'm pretty sure you know how I feel, but just in case you devopled a case of amnesia, I like you and think you are pretty cool.
So, if you could tell me whats up so I can stop banging my head against the wall that is your 3 sentance long letters that mean nothing, that would be awesome.

Version 5:
So, this is a pretty important letter. I hope you think about it and write me back honestly and openly.
I was talking to my friend Lyndsi last night, and telling her about you and how confused I am about you.
I told her that there is this big part of me that loves you and that I don't really want to stop, but that there is this other part of me that tells me there is no hope when it comes to you and I should move on.
I also told her that I like David Allen and that I think maybe I could get over you if I date him.
She gave me some good advice. She told me that I can't get over you with David, because then I am depending my happiness on someone else, and that would not be fair to them. She said that if I'm going to get over you, I need to do it before I get into a relationship with another guy.
She also said that I need to figure out if I'm SUPPOSED to get over you. If its really what I need to do.
So, thats where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out if I'm supposed to get over you.
To answer that, I need some help from you.
Mainly, because its hard for me to decide what to do without some imput from you.
Let me preface this by saying your feelings won't affect the frequency or legnth or content (at least not very much) of letters I write to you. You are my friend no matter what.
I think the easiset way to do this is for me to just be straight foreward.
1. Do you like me.
If the answer is no, you don't have to answer the rest of the questions.
2. Am i I really your backup plan? Because I'm not okay with that if I am. I deserve a guy who is crazy about me, not a guy who thinks that if all else fails, I'll be here for him. I deserve to be a first choice.
3. Assuming you have a good explanation for the whole backup plan thing (IE: I was an idiot when I said that. I see now you are amazing and blah blah blah) would you want to date when you get back?
4. If yes to previous question, what do you see happening there?
Thats pretty much everything I need to know.
I want you to know that David Burgoyne had nothing to do with this letter. He told me he was not going to interfere with you and me and that he did not support me asking you questions like these. I understand why he would say that, you are on your mission, but that doesn't mean you have the right to ignore my feelings or cause me emotional stress, and I'm done suffering silently in the name of not being distracting.
Please don't ignore this letter and just not adress these issues. Please don't not write me for a month (That was the month from Hell, FYI. I checked my mailbox with high hopes every day only to have dissapointment come crashing down on me when there was nothing from you)
Just tell me whats up.
I hope you are working hard and having fun.
Love, Sabrina

Any Suggestions? I think the last one is the one I'm going to send. This is killing me.

On a good note, I told David about what I'm doing and he's totally supportive. He wants me to figure out me and wants me to be happy. I love that he is so understanding and open. I love that he is awesome. Yay!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

But in the End its right.

David likes me, of that I am sure.
I think I'm going to Chicago and Nauvoo with him (and his fam) and I'm way excited.
Philip is going to lose me, and I hope he realizes that.
I hope he realizes that I am NOT a backup plan and that he lost the best thing that would have ever happened to him.

I hear the train outside. It reminds me of home.
Sometimes I miss it.
Other times I want to run till I can't run anymore. Until the breath stops and I lay down on the side of the road and suck in the sweet summer air.
Most of the time, I sit and do nothing.

Am I ever going to live my life?

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Its something unpredictable

Do you ever feel like you can never say the right thing? Like everything out of your mouth is actually the one thing you could say to make a situation bad? Like, you are basically so out of it, so out of touch with the person you are with that you can't say what you need to? And yet, all you want to do is say the right thing? Is let them know they should pick you, but at the same time tell them they can't depend on you? Maybe its the fact that the right thing to say is the thing that will make the situation bad, so maybe I always just say the right thing.

I dunno.

I want to be with some people right now. I want my girls with me to watch stupid movies and hang out and not have to feel something about them. I want a boy who will actually be my friend, not one who I know likes me and complicates everything.

I want to snuggle with boys without feeling attached. I want to have human contact without feeling attachment.

I want Philip to tell me what he really feels, so I won't be left in the dark hurting.
I want David to suck it up and admit that he wants to be with me, or tell me he doesn't and stop calling.
I want Kelly to finally break things off with Ashley, and for us to see what happens and for us to not be scared and to just let it be natural and fun.
I want David B. to freaking not be stupid, and for him to eaither kiss me because he likes me for me, not because I'm the first girl to hang out with him since he's been off his mission, or to just be my friend and not expect anything.
I want Dylan to find a girl to be with who loves him for him and for him to be so happy he won't ever look back.
I want Casey and his Girl to work out and be wonderful togehter.
I want Chase to be my friend, and to find a girl who deserves him.
I want Danny to just be honest with himself, whatever truth that may bring up.
I want Kenny to not flirt if he doesn't mean it, because I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

I wish I could forgive people and not feel hate after all this time, still. I don't know how I've forgiven some people and can't forgive others. Its lame, since the other people did way worse things.

I really want to be a better LDS member. I want to not cuss, I want to not have stupid stupid thoughts, I don't want to ever have any more what if senarios running thru my head. I want the guilt of the past to go away, and for me to feel whole again.

I want to stop eating crap and to work out and to look like all my friends do. I'm sick and tired of being the fattest one. Ugh. At the same time, I want to be comfortable with my body and think people mean it when they tell me I'm beautiful.

Basically, I just want to be happy, and for everyone else around me to be happy, and to know whats going on around me.



Thursday, July 5, 2007

Today, I almost kissed Phil's missionary companion who just came home.
I swear, my life cannont get any more insane.

Sunday, July 1, 2007


i think i'm going to live and let live, or however that stupid thing goes.
good things about david:
he can make me laugh
he calls me and texts me
he admits when he is wrong
he is an amazing kisser
he is honest with me
he holds my hand
he tells me his fears
he has a great family
he talks to me about everything
he lets me vent about stuff
he can be serious
he will play with me
he is beautiful, inside and out
he has a strong testimony
he is a worthy priesthood holder
he wants a family
he will be a great dad
he is loving and caring
he doesn't care when my legs aren't shaved
he lets me use his toothbrush
he isn't afraid to be crafty
he is upfront about his feelings
he thinks i'm beautiful
he learns from his mistakes
he isn't afraid of change
he is spontaneous
there are so many more things that i don't know exactly how to put into words, like how it feels when he kisses me, a mixture of love and tentative longing and newness. i don't know how to explain how he makes me feel more like myself or how he helps me realize things that i didn't know i needed to realize. i don't know how to explain how he is so fun and sad and wonderful all at the same time, and how when i'm with him, i don't want the time to keep ticking by, i just want to live in that moment, with him, forever.
it should be interesting to see where the next 6 months take him and i. i think its funny that both times we've started something, there has been this waiting period. but this time, its more of waiting to see where it goes instead of waiting to kiss, but i think maybe the next 6 months will be good. we'll be able to try and go on dates with other people to see exactly what it is about each other that we like, and make sure it is each other we want to be with. i think its really a good thing that david was so honest about how if we dated for 6 months seriously, we'd want to get married, because it shows that he knows where this may lead and is being upfront about the possibilities this has. i really hope that he comes back to BYU in january (or goes back on his mission) because then we can date and see where it goes for real.
wow. this is all such a big deal. and i'm scared but excited all at the same time.
oh, strawberries. i missed that boy, and hope i don't ever lose him again.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

things change so fast.

its amazing. in talking to my friend last night, i realized he is totally right. RM boy was out of my life a good month ago, and I really was waiting for letters in the mail every day, and my heart was crushed every dang day.
now, i don't have to wait for letters, i can call and he's right freaking there. its funny that david's name is the only one i've used the real one for, and now he's the one who has total and complete rule over my heart. which sounds stupid, but oh my gosh.
seriously, i missed him. i missed how goofy he is. i missed how he can see thru all of my crap and get me to tell him the truth that sometimes i deny myself. i missed his family, and how his sibs love me more than him. i missed play fighting. and missed his kisses. oh boy, did i ever miss that.
and this time around, there is nothing to stop us from becoming something serious and amazing. and that scares the living daylights out of me, but at the same time, i know that if it ends up that way, thats how its supposed to be. he's an amazing guy and i'd be lucky to have him as mine.
more on this subject later, i have to get to class.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

back in utah.
hung out with david tonight.
this is gonna be one intresting summer.

Monday, June 18, 2007

david got sent home from his mission.
i am in shock.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Life, its gonna be big.

I have the Nancy Drew soundtrack on right now, while I unwind before I go to bed. I bought it tonight at walmart. I miss the Provo walmart b/c I know where everything is. So yeah, I'll be going when I get back, so that'll be a blasty!
I think that I am going to make things look up in my life. I'm sick of not having fun. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck in a rut. I'm going back to my formula for success that I had for last summer: hang out with fun people, date fun boys, and basically have a fun time. Hopefully, people in my new ward will be cool and I'll be able to do this. I am excited to get back and start over.
I wish I would have had time to hang out more with Lala & Joshypoo, but I think everything will be okay. I am sad I didn't meet HT until yesterday, but maybe he'll end up moving out to Utah & we can hang out then. Who knows. Whats ment to happen, will happen. Thats going to be my new mantra.
I am going to try to have a more positive outlook on life.

Friday, June 15, 2007

I have given up dating young guys. The end.

so i just had like, the most amazing time ever.
i went to the singles dance, hoping HT would be there, because hi, he's beautiful.
and guess what? he was there. and wow.
we danced to some country songs, we talked, we ate ice-cream and we decided that it was basically the lamest dance of all time ever.
then, he was like, lets get out of here. so, we left. we didn't really have a destination, so we drove until i decided we should go to the mustangs. and so, we went. and we sat by the water and we talked. and we talked and talked. and then, it started to rain. so we sat in the rain and talked. then we danced in the rain, and splashed each-other in the fountains, then we skipped around holding hands in the rain. it was so way fun. we were soaked, b/c it was raining so dang hard, so we decided to just go take a little dip in one of the lower pools. haha. it was fun. and then, i was sitting up on one of the stone island things, and he was standing in front of me in the water, and he kissed me, and i kissed him back. and it was oh so wonderful. and wow.
HT is an interesting man. He's 29, but looks maybe 25, and he is seriously a really really handsome guy. wow. i'll have to get a picture tomorrow or something (more singles activities). he was married, and he's divorced now, and has been for 2 years. and for some reason, that doesn't bug me, not in the least. is that odd? that this guy is 10 years older than me, and i don't care if he was married? anyways, when he took me home he walked me to the door, with his bare feet and everything, and yeah. it was awesome. wow. and i'll be really sad if he doesn't call or text or come tommorow. because, yeah. he's hott.
and i dunno.
i'm retarded.
but such is life.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


So, I def. am a little disappointed in myself right now. Mainly because I did something I always do that I always end up regretting.
I hate it. Why is that you get stuck in a vicious circle and can't seem to break out of it?
I'm talking about, of course, giving my heart away too fast. Its out of control and it needs to stop.
I wonder if I'm scared to have my own heart. If like, someone else has to have it or I get antsy or something. Which is stupid, because I always end up getting hurt when someone else has my heart.
I also jump to conclusions a lot, because sometimes conclusions are the easiest thing to believe.
Like, with EWC, he hasn't written me this week. Sure, it could be because he's busy, but he promised I'd get at least 1 letter every week. I think its b/c he's having second thoughts. Like, he's thinking "oh, i never really met her in real life. we just talked on the phone. those feelings i had couldn't be real or meaningful. i was stupid." and i mean, he has every right to think that, but it just sucks. a lot. boo.
As for elder, as much as i don't want to be in love with him, as much as i don't want every word of every letter to count, as much as i want to move on... i can't. that boy owns my soul. I am so in love with him. Everything reminds me of him. I think about him constantly. I have to stop myself from writing him a letter every dang day. Its out of freaking control, but for some reason i don't want to stop. mainly because i'd be giving up on him, and everything that stands for. i have this stupid hope that maybe he'll get home and realize how amazing we'd be together or something.
i guess i have a long time to figure eveyrthing out, but look at how fast the last year went? this year is gonna go even faster b/c i'll be in school the entire time. nuts.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

I'm done.

I am apathetic to life right now, and that doesn't look like its changing any time soon. Sorry about that.
The end.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Moving On

I've decided to move freaking on. Elder doesn't care enough about me to actually say anything about his feelings, so I've decided that he isn't worth it. He isn't worth my tears, my pain, or my heart being broken. I don't want dissapointment when it comes to Love... I want fulfillment and happiness and smiles and romance. I know that I really can't ask all of that of him, seeing as he's 3,000 miles away or something, but he could at least .. I dunno... actually act like he cared or had concern for what is going on. It doesn't matter why anymore. I'm sick of trying to guess his motivation and his thoughts. I'm going to get up, wipe off my sorry self, and walk on down the road. I think it'll be the best way for me to figure out what I want.
EWC, well. I dunno. Well, I do. He's amazing. And I like him. And I can't wait for him to get home. And I want him to go to Rome with me. But the problem with that is David. STUPID. David is such a jelous kid, and it just isn't fair that I have to deal with him when it comes to EWC. I mean, if I write EWC more than I write David, he gets mad. So its just lame. I'm going to send him a package or something when I get home (I'm in Tyler, Texas right now) to try to make it up to him. Altho he proally won't care since I'll end up sending EWC almost the exact same thing, but whatev. I think I'll give up trying to figure that kid out too. EWC said that David regrets ever breaking up with me, which may be part of the problem. He isn't over me. And it isn't fair that EWC has to be stuck in the middle of all this crap.
Anyways, I need to do some Stats.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I took a nap today (for like, three hours) and now I can't fall asleep. SUCK. As soon as I write this I HAVE to go to bed. I have a test in the morning.
So elder hasn't written me yet. My stomach has this terrible feeling that he hates me now, which hurts all the way to my toes. I hate that I have gotten so good at pushing people away from my life when I need them the most. It sucks. I dunno what I'm going to do when he does write me... I don't know what I want/need out of him, so I don't exactly know why its bugging me so much. Maybe I just want to know. I dunno. Ugh.
I'm also waiting on a letter from EWC. I miss him SO much. Ugh. My heart wants to explode.
How can i have so much feeling for two diffrent people.
I give up.

Friday, May 25, 2007

I'm imfamous on the internetz

Seriously, why do 22 year old men act like 12 year old girls?
Calling me out on your blog, which has a semi-big readership, only due to the fact that your cousin, who actually has a skill at writing intresting things that apply to many people across cultural, religious and age lines, has linked your webpage several times? And saying that I just used you to meet your cousin? I'm pretty sure that the only reason I met her was becuase you used her to have me hang out with you. Now who's the douche?
Ugh. Screw you.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Hello World

Its amazing, isn't it? What it takes to make us realize how short life is? And how freaking fagile every moment is and how we need to hold on to it.
Today, I was driving. I was zoning out becuase I didn't sleep last night really (more on that later) and I don't drive the road I was on very much, and I totally almost got into a wreck because there was a stop sign and I was going like, 40, and I didn't see it till there was a car coming across the street and yeah. I slammed on my breaks (haha. we got new tires on the car like 5 hours later, unrealted to the fact that i probally wore them bald by breaking that hard) and the sound of the screaching over iron and wine was an experince that woke me up. My hands were shaking for the next 10 minutes. It was nuts. I realize that I do that a lot: zone out and live my life until something forces me to open my eyes and pay attention to my sourrondings.
Anyways, about last night. I babysat, then went and talked to one of my highschool friends for a while at Boston's, my old place of work, and then I went over to ex's house. WHY do I always do this to myself? Its like, okay, he screwd you over SO badly, but you just want to see whats up with him. I knew what was going to happen. I ended up blaming him for everything, saying everything that I was angry about, calling him a coward and basically tearing him down. And I did all this while we were laying side by side in eachothers arms. And he said he was sorry. And it didn't make me feel any better. And I don't understand why I always do this to myself. I didn't cry. I probally should have. With him, its hard for me to get the closure I need to, becasue I was so stupid when it came to our realationship. And he was stupid too. And we both moved too fast and wern't ready for what happened, and we both realize that now. And its so odd talking to your ex like that. Its so odd being able to be civil, and not cry, and not yell. We just talked. And I aksed him why, and he told me the best he could. And I guess I'll have to call that good because there really isn't anything I can do about it now. And its over and I'm going to have to be okay with that. And I really think I am. Its not like he was this amazing guy who I can't live without. In fact, I'm not really sure why I dated him. Him and I are SO similar and we were bound to butt heads, and butt heads we did. I wish we had just been friends, because I have a feeling we would have been really good friends. He has some serious issues that I should have seen as red flags that would have made the relationship not work, but I am really good at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. I seriouly am SO dumb sometimes. But anyways, I think I've moved on to better things now, and that I know that. I think seeing him for that last time was probally the best thing I could have done because yeah, I know what he is and I know what I can have and I know that I would rather have someone else because he just isn't right for me.
Speaking of someone else, EWC is doing well. He's speaking spanish now! Nuts! They changed it halfway thru his mission, which is odd, but I guess the prez thought he could handle it because he's just such an awesome guy, and a hard worker. And I'm pretty sure I just need to marry him when he gets home. Because I think he's prefect. AHH! I can't wait for this year to go by as fast as humanly possible. Seriously. And then I can have the boy of my dreams.
Hopefully during the next year I can become the girl of his.

Monday, May 21, 2007


I love letters.
I got one from EWC today. Still watiing on Elder's, but EWC's was amazing.
He apparently is now going to be speaking spanish! How nuts is that? Half way thru his mission and he's changing languages! Crazy!
I seriously think he's like, amazing. AHHH! AHHHH! lol. I dunno what else to say. I can't wait for him to get home and be my boy forever and ever. :-)
Other than that, everything is just peachy. I love my life.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

wonder of wonders

I am in love with a boy I've never met.
Oh well.
EWC is gone, back to Chicago for the second half of his mission. This makes me sad because I can't talk to him for hours at a time and make hopeful amazing plans, but at the same time, I know it is exactly where he needs to be. He is an amazing missionary who really cares about what he is doing, and I love that fact. I love that he is a hard worker and has this testimony... this rock hard testimony that just shows thru everything he is saying and doing by just being the foundation of his world. I love that. So much. I want to learn how to have that. I know I have a testimony, but I want one that is my very existance. Imagine that. It would be amazing.
Summer is going well, other than the fact that I have to do school. Boo that. It sucks. But I LOVE my class. Its SO SO SO SO intresting and awesome. My teacher is a total hippy and yeah. I love it. I don't like my online stats course. I am the worst self-paced, self-motivated learner ever. I'm pretty sure that if all my classes were like my Psych class (every day for three hours, and the only class I was taking... well... maybe one more) I would make WAY better grades. I am so bad at telling myself to do work. I have to be forced to go to class (attendance points are always a plus for me, because then i go, and by going I learn) and then yeah, everything is fine. Online? SUCKS. For serious.
I am excited to go back to provo and see how things work out this school year. I think it'll be fun to see where everything leads me and where I am a year from now. It looks like I'm probally doing a study abroad in Rome during fall semester of 2008, which should be a freaking blast. If everything goes well, Wayne will probally go too. Rock it. Its CHEAP for a study abroad-- only like, 7,000. YAY!
Okay, I have to go do stats. More later.
Love and kisses

Sunday, May 6, 2007


I'm waiting on EWC to call me. He said like... an hour and a half ago that he'd call me back in an hour, and that he had to do something, so he must be held up doing whatever he is doing. He'll call me back eventually, and we'll talk long into the night about random things and life in general.
He really is an amazing boy. And maybe its because he's semi a missionary still that I think that, but I can't wait to meet him face to face. I feel like I know him as well as I know myself.
Okay, its the next day, and he called and wow.
We talked for three hours. He seriously is awesome. We decided that yes, we are odd. We like eachother and we've never met. And we plan on dating when he gets back. I'm going to write him the rest of his mission.
I don't know exactly whats goin on, but I can't wait to see where this goes.
He likes me for ME, not for my looks or how I dress. He likes my thoughts and he likes my mind. He knows all my hopes and fears and knows what I want out of life. And, he likes his steak medium rare.
Maybe I'm dumb, but this kid? He's pretty cool.

And yes, RM boy is still semi in the picture, but he dosen't give me butterflies. It doesn't make my heart skip a beat when I see its him on the caller ID. I dunno.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Oh Boy

Oh boyyyyy
Oh boy Oh Boy Oh Boy.
Boyfriend and I broke up. I'm not really mad. Its whats best for him. And anyways...
RM boy is now in the picture, large an in charge.
Its been SO long since I've fallen this hard this fast. Like, um, I'd say almost exactly a year ago is the last time I felt this way, and I think that was a total load of crap. Like, he hurt me so bad that I'm not even sure the feelings I had were ever really there. Like, I did stupid things and things I regret, even tho I regret nothing in life, all because of these feelings.
I think I have a tendancy to make rash decisions.
I think I don't think before I leap.
I'm SO GLAD I am going home and not seeing him for 7 weeks, because if I really like him, then when I get back I'll know.
I think I really like him.
He is like, amazing. Like holy crap. Like.. oh my gosh.
I've never said this before, because it sounds semi-silly, but I feel safe when we are kissing. I feel like he would never try to take advantage of me or try to push things to far. I feel like he is this awesome guy who wants to be with me and wouldn't ever hurt me on purpose. Like, if we were ever to part ways, it would be because of something mutual, because we didn't feel that we belonged togehter.
He asked me out last night, and I said no.
I'm leaving for 7 weeks, and as much as I like him... as much as I think he is this wonderful boy who is taking my world by storm, I just can't be with someone for 7 weeks not seeing him when I've only known him for as many days as weeks before I leave. But boy oh boy, I like him.
Like, I dunno. I get this feeling when I'm thinking about him. My heart beats a little faster. I get this stupid grin on my face. I just want him here right now so I can give him the biggest hug of all time.
Its a little bit scary because he is marriable. He is someone who I could spend the rest of forever with. He is someone who not only has potential, but is a pretty great guy now.
And then I think... I'm 19 years old. I'm not ready for all this. I am writing like, 7 missionaries. I'm not supposed to get into a serious relationship until Wanye or David or Phil gets home and its supposed to be with them. I'm supposed to marry someone who I've known for a long long time.
And I know this whole rant is a little premature, seeing as I've known him for... um.. 5 days. And that we aren't even boyfriend girlfriend (my choice on that one, I guess) but I dunno.
I just dunno.
I guess we'll see how this all plays out.

Monday, April 23, 2007


Stuff is just stuff.
It can be replaced.
Money is just money.
It can be reearned.

Thats all for now. Just think about that.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Once again, I have a boyfriend.
Its intresting. I used to measure my life in boyfriends. Its not like I measured it in years, or days, or months. It was in boyfriends. Someone would talk about some event and I would say "Yeah, thats when I was dating so and so" My life revolved around boys. It revolved around feeling loved and feeling wanted and feeling like I was deseriable, at least to one person at that time.
I'm not sure I want to do that again.
Don't get me wrong. I really like boyfriend. He is a super awesome guy. He is tall and wonderful and sweet and a perfect gentleman. And I was his first kiss. And I can't break his heart, even tho it is inevitable at this point.
more later.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Oh Boy

Thats right, ladies and gentlemen, there is a boy.
He is tall (6'2!) dark and handsome and he isn't a skinny stick boy... he is solid and makes me feel little bitty.
And school sucks.
And I've been sick for the last week.
And he and I talked for a million hours and I liiiikkkkeee hiiimmmm.
And thats about it.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Its intresting...

How fast things can change. And how you can see someone so diffrently after something happens.
Its funny how sometimes, how you think a person views themself and how they actually view themself are the same and diffrent at the same time. And how sometimes, your view on someone can change how they view themselves.
It really is intresting how much I've changed.
I really used to be the kind of person to shove my views upon other people. Boy, I was wrong for that.
And while I still do think I'm right most of the time, I am learning how to become tolerant of other people's views of the world. It is something that is hard. You have to put aside your pride and say "You have a diffrent view than me, and that is okay." But at the same time, you know that you think you are at least a little bit supirior becuase you have the view that you do. And you have to realize that that is okay. Agreeing to Disagree is more Agreeing that the other person is wrong. You always think that the other person is not right and you think that you are better because you are. Its not that I look down on people with views that are diffrent than mine, I just simply think that they are wrong. Well, sometimes.
Sometimes, I can see that diffrent strokes are for diffrent folks. Some people march to a diffrent drum and that is perfectly okay. Yes, some of my friends drink. Would I ever do that? No. Do I think drinking is right? No. But do I think they should do it? If they want to. I understand that everyone is inheratly diffrent, and I think that that is one of my stregnths. I know it sounds silly. I know it sounds like I am being superior to even you, as you read this, but more than anything I think that it has helped me realize that no, I am not better than you, merely differnt. If you have a diffrent view than me, yes, my view is right for me and BETTER for me, but your view could prehaps be the same for you. We as humans are all very ego-centered. We think that us, ourselves, are the most important people in the universe, and you know what? We are right. Each of us, our own selves, is the most important person around. We talked about it in my History of Psych class: Each person has their own little universe, and when something is not around that person, it simply does not exist. I totally agree. My views are right for me, because they are the ones that govern the universe in which I currently reside.
My roomate is probally trash talking me with one of her friends. That hurts somewhat, seeing as I am sitting here haveing an ephipany about how we can disagree and still both be right. Whatev.
It sucks that people think that because you a diffrent, you are bad. I don't mean wrong, I mean bad. Sure, you can think someone is wrong and not think them inhertly bad, but sometimes, when it comes to social and moral issues, you think that a person is bad because their view differ from your own.
Take for instance, someone in my religion who is liberal. This is a huge nono. Why? Because, well, they must be bad because they think abortion is okay and think gays should be able to marry, and becuase they think that the war isn't nessacarly right and because they question the govenment and its policys in some areas. Well, I am a liberal. I just don't tell anyone that. I think that as a Christian, we all have free will. And with that free will, each person has a right to decide what he or she wants. I think that if a person decides he is gay, that he should be able to have rights just like any other person. It is not my place to tell them that they are wrong or right: Sexual orientation is not a math problem where there is one specfic anwser for every problem. Some people were abused as a child. Some people have nuerons in their brain that are diffrent. Some people have chemical imbalnaces. Whatever the reason is behind them being gay, I have no way to say weather it is right or wrong. The same goes for abortion. How can I say, with total conviction, that a woman has no right to her own body? Or that a baby has the right, when not even resmbling a baby, to live or to die? I cannot take a stance on these issues, therefore I go with the decision that everyone has a right to decide for themselves. Me, personally? I don't know. I have never been faced with these issues in my life. I honestly can say that I don't think anyone who has not stood in the shoes of someone who has been shamed with the title of "fag" because they find a person of the same gender attractive and act upon those urges or has been labaled a "baby killer" after having an abortion because they can't afford to have a child, or because they were a victim of date rape can make the decision of weather or not these things are correct. Who are we to condem? Who are we to hate? If we hate, we only foster hate. What if I became a lesbian? Does that mean that you, my friends, my family, would hate me? Does that mean that because I made those decisions, or had that lifestyle thrust upon me, that I am nessacarly a horrible person who is going to hell? Me, whom you have known anywhere from years to days, is going to not recive eternal salvation? Do you have right to tell me that? Who does? You? Your group of friends? Your class at school? A polital party? A religion? Where does it end?
I understand not agreeing with something. I undrestand with thinking something is wrong. I understand that you have to have your moral convictions and stand up for what is right in your mind, but I don't understand condeming someone from being diffrent than you. I don't undrestand thinking that you are superior to someone because you hold a certian type of values and belifs. I espically don't understand thinking that looks, skin color or sexual prefence decide on who should get power in the world. That type of hate and ingornace is what casued the Holocaust. That type of hate and ignorance is what caused the LA Riots. That type of hate and ignorance is what caused innocent Gay people to die due to hate crimes. That type of hate and ignorance caused slavery. That type of hate and ignorance is what caused people to kill Mormons. That type of hate is what caused the fights in my highschool.
I just wish everyone could understand that being diffent is okay. That having a diffrent view than someone does not make you a bad person. That not agreeing is not the end of the world, nor the end of a friendship.
Love. Coexhist. Blend. Learn. Grow.
We are all sons and daughters. We are all human. We all live in this world.
And we all have the right to choose.
Please, don't take that right away from people.
Let people live, and they will let you do the same.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Catching up.

Woah Dang, So much to write about.
First, I should totally be writing my paper for my history of Pscyh class, but yeah. Its 1:33am on Sunday, and I just don't see that happening. I have to do it tommorow, tho. Or I'll be in some serious trouble!
First, I moved. I know, I know. My roomate and I had a big disagreement over her boyfriend. Basically, he is a self-righteous jerk who thinks I'm this horrible person. He is seriously just like, the biggest jerk EVER. Ugh. I don't want to elaborate at the moment because, well, I don't want to go to bed angry.

Elder broke my heart in the past month or so. He wrote me a letter saying that when he gets home he wants to party and not get into a serious relationship for two years. I don't want to be here when he gets back. I want to be in London. I want to be in New Zeland. I want to be in Mexico. I want to be in Texas. I pretty much want to be anywhere but here. Do you have any idea how hard its going to be for me to have him here, but not have him? It was hard enough before he was gone. I'm freaking sick of it. I need to just dear john him or something, but my heart is still with him, so its kindof a hard thing to do. I still write him every single monday and tell him whats going on and stuff, but his letters have become more and more infequent, which makes me super sad. I guess he is working hard and he is doing what he is supposed to, but the lack of letters makes me really sad.

David and I have been exchanging more letters, which is fun. I'm making him (and Elder) packages for Easter. FUN! Haha. They are going to be adorable. Dang. David is going to send me back a disposible camera I sent him full of pictures! I'm so dang excited! Its going to be the coolest when I get it back, whenever that may be. Hopefully within the next month. Word.

In other news, me and my (new) roomate, who we are going to call Roomate, are going to go to London next summer. Its basically going to be amazing. I hope we can go for at least two months. We need to figure out the cost of it and everything, but I know that I can afford two months, for sure. I want to see if there is some way to get a temporary job or something. I would love to stay the whole four months, but that may be a little bit excessive. We are def. going tho. I'm excited! Woo! Also, if we went for the whole summer, I wouldn't be here when David gets back, and that would make me sad. We've been writing about how we are going to hang out when he gets back and how we are going to cook and stay out late and talk on the grass. It'll be amazing. He said that its going to be cool getting to know eachother again. I totally agree. I'm excited!

Oh, and hi! Totally went shopping today. I spent a total of 180 bucks on clothes, then went to walmart and spent another 40 on hair stuff and movies and mouthwash and bandaids. Word. I got some freaking cute clothes tho. A red dress that is HAWT, some white pants and the cutest blue and white stripped shirt to go with it, a tshirt, a purse, some flip flops, a pair of earrings, and a skirt that is pretty much amazingly comfy.

OOOH! I bought tickets for the Rocket Summer show on friday! I'm soooo excited to go! I can't even tell you! AND I FOUND OUT that when I go home, they are playing with HelloGoodbye and if I don't go, I really think I'll just have to kill myself. I'm so dang excited. Its gonna be the sickest craziest most awesome show of all time EVER. Dang.

Um... I am really freaking tired. So I think I'll go to bed. But I'll try to update this more. YAY!

Friday, January 26, 2007


I am really happy.
Content with what is going on.
I think instead of going out tonight, I'm going to go to the library and enjoy some study time by myslef.

I have really awesome friends.
Ones here (Yoko, Steph, B-lyn)
ones elsewhere (mar, rad, lala)
and even ones i have yet to meet.
Friends are definatly one of the areas in life I have been blessed with. I can make friends pretty eaisly, and I can keep them when they are important and respectful to me.

Its wierd how truthful the "You never know what you had till its gone" statement is.
At least, thats how I see it.
As humans, I think we take everything forgranted, which isn't really a good thing, nor a bad thing since we all do it. I think that sometimes, we don't take time to listen to ourselves. We only listen to what others say about our situation. We always want someone elses advice, but the truth is, they aren't us and they can't give us the advice we want/need. We really have to look inside ourselves for this.
Example: I dated David my Junior year in High School. He was a senior. I think we were togehther 3 months. I really really liked the kid, and for once, so did my parents. He ended up breaking up with me because his best friend, Katie, hated me. whatev. it was pretty hard on me because I really liked the kid and the break up came out of left field.. the week before Valentines and the Sweetheart dance at school and everything. We still went to the dance, and that was super akward, and went out on Valentines, and it was the craziest night of my life. I had rehersal till 7, then we went out to dinner at one of our fav. restraunts and got italian gelatto and then we went to our park and ended up kissing. He gave me the best kiss of my life that night. It was the kind of kiss you see in movies. My knees got weak, time slowed, and in that moment everything was perfect. That was the last time I saw him for almost a year. Then, we went to lunch and to see a movie right before he left for college, then he left on his mission about a year after that. He is an all around good guy, other than the whole breaking up with me thing.
Anyways, the point of this story is that we started writing each other a couple of months ago. He has said that I am the reason he is on his mission, and that he wants to take me out to dinner when he gets back home, and in the letter/package i got today, he sent me a collage of pics from his mission (which is actualy totally cute) and in his letter he says, "it is true that you were a big influence in my fact I talk about you a lot... like today I was talking ot Elder Wayne Christensen (my best friend for life) all about you... and I realized that you have been my favorite girlfriend/girl I know... even though we haven't really talked a lot since we broke up... " and the later says "so you're pretty much not even going to recognize me when i get home.. Elder Christensen, you know my BFF, has been showing me how to work out, and pretty much I'm going to be HUGE! In 17 months you're going to see me and be like OH, DANG! And not to be prideful or anything but you're pretty much not going to be able to resist me... HAHAHAHA" So yeah. I dunno. From my point of view, he sees now that I was pretty much the best girlfriend ever (well, I was. for real. i did everything for him!) and misses me and my awesomeness.
The complicated part: Elder.
David gets home 4 months before Elder. What if David and I start dating? Where does that leave Elder? I know that I am NOT waiting for Phil... I am just not going to get involved with anyone unless they are as good as him... and is David? Thats something that I don't know. I guess I have over a year to figure it out, since David doesn't get back for 17 more months, but its not like its something that I'm not going to worry about! Its akward, ya know. Do I tell David I have a missionary and ask him to back off a bit, even tho he's not really coming on strong or anything? Do I tell Elder what David said? Do I just go die? Who knows.
I do know that I really have to go pee and I'm going to take a bath and read my book.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

With Valentines coming up and all..

I thought it would be a good time to name all the "Valentines" I've had and tell ya where they are now.
Last year: I didn't really have one. I think I worked on Valentines. I don't even remember. Psh. I was working 2 full time jobs. I had no time for boys. I wish I hadn't gotten involved with boys at all until... ever. hah. My life would be so much eaiser.
2005: David. Well, kindof. He broke up with me the week before Valentines, but we still went out on the actual date. It was really odd, since we were allready broken up, but we kissed. And it was the single best kiss I've had in my entire life (up to this point) It made me weak at the knees like I have't been since. We went and laid in the arts center park and listened to all the cars go past, and a firetruck went by, and we laughed for what must have been ten minutes. It made breaking up eaiser, but so much harder at the same time, because I couldn't see HOW he could kiss me like that and still not want to be with me. It hurt, but we are friends now. He is on his mission.. he'll be back in 16 months. We write and its fun and I'm sending him a valentines present. hah. Anyways, I had an orch rehersal that night, and then we went to umm.. its closed now, oh, BDs because it was the most amazing food ever. And then we got icecream at Pachigioes and sat outside and talked for a while. The weather wasn't too cold. It was nice. Then we went to the park.. and yea. After that, we went to my house and finished up his application for BYU. He recently wrote me that I am the reason he is on his mission, and had I not pushed him to go to BYU he doesn't know where he'd be. That made me feel awesome.
2004: Dylan. So, me and Dylan dated for a year, a week and a day. He is the only boy I've ever loved for sure. I think I love Phil, but it may just be as a friend. I think I'll have to wait till he gets back to know for sure, but I KNOW I loved Dylan. He is an amazing guy. We are SO similar, and he is still one of my most amazing friends. He understands me because we share the same faith, but he gets that I'm not perfect and accepts me for who I am. I remember it snowed this year on Valentines Day, and I went to a drill team compeition to take pictures. They gave me a crappy camera, and I got pretty crappy pictures as a result. Me and Dylan talked on the phone that night: at that point we wern't allowed to date (even tho we had been going out like 5 months) becuase Dylan wasn't 16 yet. He made me a picture of a rose in paint and emailed it to me. It said "happy valentimes day" He misspelled it on purpose b/c he knew it would drive me nuts. Thats just the way we were. I loved it.
2003: HAHA! Like I'd have had a valentine. I was such a loser.
2002: Roman! No kidding! I dated this Russian kid for like two months. He was SO cute, and now he's little mr. frat boy at whatever college he goes to. Bhaha. Good times.
2001: Erik. I was so dumb when it came to this kid. He got me a teddy bear and everything. I thought he wasn't cool enough to like. Boy, I was DUMB.
2000: I was in 6th grade. It was a dry year for me, what are ya gonna do?
I don't feel like going before that, because I can't remember and I probally wanted every boy in my class to be my valentine.
Whats the point of this stupid stupid day?
I think that when I'm married, I shall ban it. I want my husband to show me he loves me every day of the year, and I want to show him, too. Having one day that everyone buys flowers and gets candy makes it so impersonal. I want him to buy me flowers on a random thrusday to let me know he still thinks I'm beautiful, and for him to cook dinner one night and send the kids to a friends house and have a me and him night. I want spontinaity, not valenines. I want my husband to see me and think "man, i love that girl, and she loves me just as much back." I want the love I have to be fierce and real enough to touch. I want to have the kind of love that when people look at us and we have been married 30 years they think that we are newlyweds. I never want to take for granted the fact that the man beside me in bed is my best friend and that he is the father to my children. I think if I am an amazing wife, he'll be an amazing husband and we'll have an amazing marriage. I want to have a beautiful family filled with love as well, and I want to teach them thru example what the true love of a marriage looks like. I don't want to fight, unless it is passionatly with lots of hugging it out and realizing we can disagree and still be madly in love with one another. I want him to sweep me off my feet and to come up behind me when I'm fixing dinner and kiss my neck and hold me tight. I want him to kiss my belly when I'm pregnant. I want him to ask my dad's premission to marry me, before he asks me. I want my mom to like him, and for him to be friends with my brother. I want to be happy watching TV and I want him to not think my feet are gross and massage them. I want him to make silly faces at our babies, and play horsie with the kids for hours on end. I want to see him in the backyard practicing soccer with our kids, and see him reading them bedtime stories before he tucks them into bed at night. I hope that he has a job where he doesn't have to be gone all the time, but if he does that he'll always come back with something cool for each of the kids, even if its as simple as a magnet or peanuts from the plane. I hope he knows that he doesn't have to get me jewlry for me to be happy, but get it for me anyways. I hope he likes what I cook and goes shopping with me at Sams or Costco on saturdays and that we eat lunch there because we are so cheap. I hope that when we have 11:00 or 1:00 church, he'll make pancakes on Sunday mornings and that on mothers day, he'll slip out of bed quitely and wake up all the kids to make me breakfast in bed, even tho I'll totally be awake and waiting by the time they come in to give it to me. I hope he'll let our little girls sit on his lap to watch TV even when they are big enough to hurt a little bit, and that he'll call them princess and show them what kind of prince they deserve. I hope he is superman, not only to our kids, but to me. I know he won't be perfect, but I hope that together we will be for eachother. I want a boy to lay in the grass and watch stars with me, not only when we are first dating, but when we have kids, after they are in bed. I want the kind of love that is legendary, but also the kind that is so ordinary you can't tell at first glance. I want a best friend and an amazing lover. I want someone who makes me feel delicate, and who treats me like he might break me. I want to feel beautiful.
I know there is a lot of I in there, but above all, I want my husband to want this much of me, and for me to fulfil it.
I know I've beeen in love before, but I think that this love, when I find it, will encompass my entire being and show me the depth and reality of love in a way I've never seen.
I am ready for it, but am willing to wait.
Waiting only helps us see what we want, and helps us relalize when we've fond something truly speaical.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

On Mormonism

So, in case you didn't gather from my last post, I'm Mormon. It is simply put, the most amazing religion on the face of the planet. Every thing I learn about it, everything that I come to know makes me so glad to be a member of it.

So, I sinned, once upon a time. Okay, let me rephrase that. I sinned serioulsy once upon a time. It wasn't too long ago, but it wasn't recently at the same time. I learned a lot from it, more than anything that serious sin is not fun. It may seem fun while you are doing it, but even then its not. I'm telling you this because it is relevant. I went and confessed to my bishop tonight. I feel SO much better, its unreal. I started last week, and we had a follow up this week and another next week and we'll go from there. My bishop is such a caring and understanding man, and I've known him for about a week. I love that in this church, the Bishops are really called from God. It amazes me that both the wards I've been in here have had such loving bishops. Anyways, to make a long story short, I feel so much better! It really used to bug me that I had to confess my sins to someone else, but it makes sense now. You should be close enough with God that you don't HAVE to confess because you feel that you are forgiven when you ask for it, but you should also be close enough with God to know that he commands us to do things for a reason, and that reason is that your bishop needs to know what is going on in your life in order to best serve you. Bishop never condemned, he never said I was a bad person. Just the opposite. He said that if anything, Christ loves me for for getting everything off my chest and out in the open. The only hard thing is that only one person knows that I confessed out of my friends, and its my friend B who has to confess some stuff too. Not even my roomate knows what I'm doing, nor does she know any of the reasons why I would need to confess. Roomie is SO awesome. I feel so happy that we got assigned to eachother, because she has become such a great friend and example to me these past few months.

Anyways, its late. Imma get to bed.

Hugs and Kisses

Friday, January 12, 2007

"A Private Learning Space"

So basically, I am doing this because my Pscyh class is supposed to. Its all good. I'm glad its an assinment. I love love love writing, and so this should be fun. I won't ever reveal my name or stuff, but you'll probally get to know my pretty dang well thru this. Probally I'll only be the only one who can ever read this, so pretty much, I'm writing to myself as an auidence. Word up.

SO! Lets get this journal entry started, shall we?

This past week has been great. We finally got moved into our new dorm room and the room is CLEAN! AHH! I love it, and I think being organized will help me a lot. I just need to do some home work this weekend, which is all good since I have monday off, and will hopefully get a couple of papers written. I want to get both of my religion papers done this week so I don't have to worry about religion other than worring for almost a month. That'll be pretty sweet. My classes are going to be semi-hard this semester, but they all involve writing (except my anthro class) and I don't even have tests in my Pscyh classes, which is sweet! Yay for papers!
Tonight, I hung out with Blonde Boy. Boys are SO confusing, to say the least. We are going on a date tomm night, so I guess we'll see how that goes, eh? Meh, whatev. I really do need to focus on my studies this semester.
So, I think what I'm going to do is every day this next week I am going to explain one thing about myself. Today it shall be Elder. No, thats not his real name, but he is on his mission, so thats what we'll call him.
So, Elder and I met two and a half years ago at a youth leadership congress in DC called HOBY. He has been my friend for these past 2 years and I went to prom with him my Jr Year, which is saying something since he lives a thousand miles away from me. Anyways, he left on his mission at the very end of September this year, and will be gone till probally the start of October in 2008. He is pretty much the boy I want to marry. Two years certianly is a long time, but I think in the long run, he is worth every minute. Lets be frank here, if I meet someone as good as him who is a Returned Missionary, I would totally get married while he is gone, but he is such a great guy. His letters make me giddy for a week, no joke. He is beautiful inside and out. He is tall, he has pretty eyes, and he is a really great friend, which is the most important thing I look for in a boy. I don't know exactly how it is possible for me to love him, without having ever dated him since we lived so far apart, but in the month we lived 20 mins away from eachother before he left, it was like, boom. We didn't kiss, we didn't hold hands, we were just friends. I told him how I felt, and he responded in all the right ways. He was kindof mean to me at one point, but after we talked, it all changed. He doesn't take me for granted anymore, which is totally awesome. He tells me that he loves me and that I am a great friend. He told me that he knows two years is a long time, but that he hopes it all works out in the long run. I wonder how it will work out. I wonder all the freaking time. I don't feel like I deserve him, even a little bit, but I am trying SO hard to become a better person. I am taking all the right steps to get my life in order and to become the type of girl that he deserves to marry. Its hard, but its coming about slowly. I think that maybe, someday, I'll feel worthy to have the love of such an amazing guy.
Allright, its time to go to bed.