Wednesday, June 13, 2007


So, I def. am a little disappointed in myself right now. Mainly because I did something I always do that I always end up regretting.
I hate it. Why is that you get stuck in a vicious circle and can't seem to break out of it?
I'm talking about, of course, giving my heart away too fast. Its out of control and it needs to stop.
I wonder if I'm scared to have my own heart. If like, someone else has to have it or I get antsy or something. Which is stupid, because I always end up getting hurt when someone else has my heart.
I also jump to conclusions a lot, because sometimes conclusions are the easiest thing to believe.
Like, with EWC, he hasn't written me this week. Sure, it could be because he's busy, but he promised I'd get at least 1 letter every week. I think its b/c he's having second thoughts. Like, he's thinking "oh, i never really met her in real life. we just talked on the phone. those feelings i had couldn't be real or meaningful. i was stupid." and i mean, he has every right to think that, but it just sucks. a lot. boo.
As for elder, as much as i don't want to be in love with him, as much as i don't want every word of every letter to count, as much as i want to move on... i can't. that boy owns my soul. I am so in love with him. Everything reminds me of him. I think about him constantly. I have to stop myself from writing him a letter every dang day. Its out of freaking control, but for some reason i don't want to stop. mainly because i'd be giving up on him, and everything that stands for. i have this stupid hope that maybe he'll get home and realize how amazing we'd be together or something.
i guess i have a long time to figure eveyrthing out, but look at how fast the last year went? this year is gonna go even faster b/c i'll be in school the entire time. nuts.

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