Thursday, May 24, 2007

Hello World

Its amazing, isn't it? What it takes to make us realize how short life is? And how freaking fagile every moment is and how we need to hold on to it.
Today, I was driving. I was zoning out becuase I didn't sleep last night really (more on that later) and I don't drive the road I was on very much, and I totally almost got into a wreck because there was a stop sign and I was going like, 40, and I didn't see it till there was a car coming across the street and yeah. I slammed on my breaks (haha. we got new tires on the car like 5 hours later, unrealted to the fact that i probally wore them bald by breaking that hard) and the sound of the screaching over iron and wine was an experince that woke me up. My hands were shaking for the next 10 minutes. It was nuts. I realize that I do that a lot: zone out and live my life until something forces me to open my eyes and pay attention to my sourrondings.
Anyways, about last night. I babysat, then went and talked to one of my highschool friends for a while at Boston's, my old place of work, and then I went over to ex's house. WHY do I always do this to myself? Its like, okay, he screwd you over SO badly, but you just want to see whats up with him. I knew what was going to happen. I ended up blaming him for everything, saying everything that I was angry about, calling him a coward and basically tearing him down. And I did all this while we were laying side by side in eachothers arms. And he said he was sorry. And it didn't make me feel any better. And I don't understand why I always do this to myself. I didn't cry. I probally should have. With him, its hard for me to get the closure I need to, becasue I was so stupid when it came to our realationship. And he was stupid too. And we both moved too fast and wern't ready for what happened, and we both realize that now. And its so odd talking to your ex like that. Its so odd being able to be civil, and not cry, and not yell. We just talked. And I aksed him why, and he told me the best he could. And I guess I'll have to call that good because there really isn't anything I can do about it now. And its over and I'm going to have to be okay with that. And I really think I am. Its not like he was this amazing guy who I can't live without. In fact, I'm not really sure why I dated him. Him and I are SO similar and we were bound to butt heads, and butt heads we did. I wish we had just been friends, because I have a feeling we would have been really good friends. He has some serious issues that I should have seen as red flags that would have made the relationship not work, but I am really good at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. I seriouly am SO dumb sometimes. But anyways, I think I've moved on to better things now, and that I know that. I think seeing him for that last time was probally the best thing I could have done because yeah, I know what he is and I know what I can have and I know that I would rather have someone else because he just isn't right for me.
Speaking of someone else, EWC is doing well. He's speaking spanish now! Nuts! They changed it halfway thru his mission, which is odd, but I guess the prez thought he could handle it because he's just such an awesome guy, and a hard worker. And I'm pretty sure I just need to marry him when he gets home. Because I think he's prefect. AHH! I can't wait for this year to go by as fast as humanly possible. Seriously. And then I can have the boy of my dreams.
Hopefully during the next year I can become the girl of his.

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