Sunday, July 8, 2007

Its something unpredictable

Do you ever feel like you can never say the right thing? Like everything out of your mouth is actually the one thing you could say to make a situation bad? Like, you are basically so out of it, so out of touch with the person you are with that you can't say what you need to? And yet, all you want to do is say the right thing? Is let them know they should pick you, but at the same time tell them they can't depend on you? Maybe its the fact that the right thing to say is the thing that will make the situation bad, so maybe I always just say the right thing.

I dunno.

I want to be with some people right now. I want my girls with me to watch stupid movies and hang out and not have to feel something about them. I want a boy who will actually be my friend, not one who I know likes me and complicates everything.

I want to snuggle with boys without feeling attached. I want to have human contact without feeling attachment.

I want Philip to tell me what he really feels, so I won't be left in the dark hurting.
I want David to suck it up and admit that he wants to be with me, or tell me he doesn't and stop calling.
I want Kelly to finally break things off with Ashley, and for us to see what happens and for us to not be scared and to just let it be natural and fun.
I want David B. to freaking not be stupid, and for him to eaither kiss me because he likes me for me, not because I'm the first girl to hang out with him since he's been off his mission, or to just be my friend and not expect anything.
I want Dylan to find a girl to be with who loves him for him and for him to be so happy he won't ever look back.
I want Casey and his Girl to work out and be wonderful togehter.
I want Chase to be my friend, and to find a girl who deserves him.
I want Danny to just be honest with himself, whatever truth that may bring up.
I want Kenny to not flirt if he doesn't mean it, because I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

I wish I could forgive people and not feel hate after all this time, still. I don't know how I've forgiven some people and can't forgive others. Its lame, since the other people did way worse things.

I really want to be a better LDS member. I want to not cuss, I want to not have stupid stupid thoughts, I don't want to ever have any more what if senarios running thru my head. I want the guilt of the past to go away, and for me to feel whole again.

I want to stop eating crap and to work out and to look like all my friends do. I'm sick and tired of being the fattest one. Ugh. At the same time, I want to be comfortable with my body and think people mean it when they tell me I'm beautiful.

Basically, I just want to be happy, and for everyone else around me to be happy, and to know whats going on around me.



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