Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Dear Philip,

Version 1:
Okay this letter probally is going to say some things you don't want to read. Its also a letter I really need to write. I've been talking to a lot of people about it, and I feel like its the right thing to do.
First, I have to admit something. I am hopelessly in love with you. Yes, I know we never dated and yes, I know that you've made me cry, but there are just some things that can't be explained and one of those things is my feelings for you.
Second, don't get mad at David Burgoyne. I made him tell me things. I seriously would have caused him bodily harm had he not given me the information I wanted. You had to know that giving me his number would have concequences. So, don't hold him responsible for telling me - hold yourself resonsible for saying them.
Third, I know I said on the CD that I understood youa re on your mission & shouldn't be thinking about girls, but you not telling me whats going on is slowly killing my heart, so I'm ging to need some answers. And don't you DARE pull the whole "not writing me back for a dang month" thing. I expect a letter with explanations and answers no later than August 6. As in, in my mailbox, buddy. On that date, if I have no letter, I am not writing you another one until I get it. And yes, I realize I'm giving you an ultimatem, but I don't know what else to do. I need some information in order to decide what to do in my life. So yeah, just suck it up, and write me truthfully.
Okay, I need to know some things.
1. David B. told me some very confliciting things. He said you like me, but that I am your backup plan. Backup Plan? Really? Explain.
2. Assuming you have a good explanation for the whole backup plan thing, do you like me?
3. Assuming the answer is yes, would you want to date and see where things go when you get back?
4. Could you ever see up getting married?
5. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says my eternal companion will "support (me) and give (me) encourgament and stregnt." Do you think you could ever do that? Could you help me thru all the bad times?
6. I like David Allen (the one who got sent home from his mission) but I feel like if I started seriously dating him, I'd get married and have all these "what if's" about you. This means if you like me, I wouldn't date him seriously b/c I wouldn't be over you. However, if you don't like me, I could get over you and be fair to him. So, tell me one more time- do you like me?
Okay, the questions that must be answered are 1,2, 3 & 6. 4 & 5 are moer for you to think about. I know its odd me talking about marriage, but pretty much, thats where all serious post-mission relationships lead and I want to go into life with open eyes. If you answer 4 &5 you get bonus points. Also, if the answer to #2 is no, the you just have to tell me and yeah. I'll still write you and be your friend, I just need to know so I can put my heart back together, stop being in love with you, and move on.
Don't say you like me if you are being selfish Don't put me on your rollercoaster for the next 14 months just because you want some letters. This isn't some frivilous girl thing- this is my heart and the love it creates. These are my soul-baring feelings. This is my life
Pretty much, I'm doing a one-way waiting game. I'm waiting for you without knowing if its even worth my time.
Don't be afraid to be honest! If you don't know- then tell me! Just explain the feelings creating the lack of knowledge. Don't be afraid to hurt me eaither- your're hurting me more now by not letting me know whats going on.
The sooner you respond, the sooner this unrest in my soul stops. Remember that.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this now, but I don't see another way of doing this without being in agony for the next 14 months.
Thanks for being you. Its the reason I love you.
Yours, till you tell me otherwise,

Version 2:
I have some things I need to talk about, that you probally won't like.
I am in love with. Hopelessly in love. The kind where you don't know what to do because it takes over your entire life.
And I don't blame you for it. I blame my stupid open heart and the way it chooses to betray my o-so-cool I love ALL boys exterior by making me think non-stop about one in particular.
I need your help with this.Mainly, because, if you don't feel the same way, I need to get over you. And it isn't your fault if you don't love me. It isn't your fault if you view me as just a friend. We can't control who we like, or when our heart decides to fall in love. I just need you to be truthful, and tell me what is in that heart of yours so I can decide weather to let my heart continue loving you, or begin the process of moving on. So, let me know. Don't keep me hanging. This is one of those things that is like a scab: it won't heal b/c I keep picking at it, and I need some explanations from you to be the bandaid to protect it from my prying fingers. it from my prying fingers. So, please send my bandaid ASAP so I know what to do.

Version 3:
I like you. Do you like me back? Its driving me nuts not knowing.
Tell me the answer, and I'll send you a prize.

Version 4:
The point of this letter is to let you know that I don't know how you feel about me.
I've been getting diffrent stories from diffrent sources, and would like to heart it from you.
I'm pretty sure you know how I feel, but just in case you devopled a case of amnesia, I like you and think you are pretty cool.
So, if you could tell me whats up so I can stop banging my head against the wall that is your 3 sentance long letters that mean nothing, that would be awesome.

Version 5:
So, this is a pretty important letter. I hope you think about it and write me back honestly and openly.
I was talking to my friend Lyndsi last night, and telling her about you and how confused I am about you.
I told her that there is this big part of me that loves you and that I don't really want to stop, but that there is this other part of me that tells me there is no hope when it comes to you and I should move on.
I also told her that I like David Allen and that I think maybe I could get over you if I date him.
She gave me some good advice. She told me that I can't get over you with David, because then I am depending my happiness on someone else, and that would not be fair to them. She said that if I'm going to get over you, I need to do it before I get into a relationship with another guy.
She also said that I need to figure out if I'm SUPPOSED to get over you. If its really what I need to do.
So, thats where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out if I'm supposed to get over you.
To answer that, I need some help from you.
Mainly, because its hard for me to decide what to do without some imput from you.
Let me preface this by saying your feelings won't affect the frequency or legnth or content (at least not very much) of letters I write to you. You are my friend no matter what.
I think the easiset way to do this is for me to just be straight foreward.
1. Do you like me.
If the answer is no, you don't have to answer the rest of the questions.
2. Am i I really your backup plan? Because I'm not okay with that if I am. I deserve a guy who is crazy about me, not a guy who thinks that if all else fails, I'll be here for him. I deserve to be a first choice.
3. Assuming you have a good explanation for the whole backup plan thing (IE: I was an idiot when I said that. I see now you are amazing and blah blah blah) would you want to date when you get back?
4. If yes to previous question, what do you see happening there?
Thats pretty much everything I need to know.
I want you to know that David Burgoyne had nothing to do with this letter. He told me he was not going to interfere with you and me and that he did not support me asking you questions like these. I understand why he would say that, you are on your mission, but that doesn't mean you have the right to ignore my feelings or cause me emotional stress, and I'm done suffering silently in the name of not being distracting.
Please don't ignore this letter and just not adress these issues. Please don't not write me for a month (That was the month from Hell, FYI. I checked my mailbox with high hopes every day only to have dissapointment come crashing down on me when there was nothing from you)
Just tell me whats up.
I hope you are working hard and having fun.
Love, Sabrina

Any Suggestions? I think the last one is the one I'm going to send. This is killing me.

On a good note, I told David about what I'm doing and he's totally supportive. He wants me to figure out me and wants me to be happy. I love that he is so understanding and open. I love that he is awesome. Yay!

No comments: