all these thoughts and feelings going thru me are too much to contain.
i have to go take a test in 20 minutes. i've been studying for about 4 hours, probally. my head hurts. i got over 1000 dollars worth of stuff done to the truck so now that beast is in tip top shape. i was in auto stores all day. there is something attractive about a boy covered in grease from working on my car. young boys, too. boys my age. i wonder if i could ever do that. work in a place where i know that i will be at forever. to work someplace where i use my hands. sometimes, i wish i could stop college and find out if i could cut it doing something like that. other times i think i have to do college. most days i just live and try to get by. if i don't like it, i can always just suck it up and live with it for the next two years. then i'll be done with my degree. then i'll be married.
yepp, you read that totally right.
david. me. married. woah. i know, big deal, huh?
10 more days and he is mine and he's not going to leave me ever again. i miss him so much my heart is about to explode.
there is this gavin degraw song called nice to meet you and its sung like its being spoken to someone. and it tells them that they are wonderful and attractive, but that its too late, he is allready in love and he can't even think about another person. thats how i feel. i can look at a boy now and think, wow, he's really cute and thats it. i feel like david is my other half. i feel like he knows exactly who i am and he can look into my soul without me telling him to. i feel like he knows what i want better than i do. he knows that all i want is joy, and he knows that he can give that to me. i feel like he really loves me for me. we had a long long talk about marriage, and i'm sure chicago will bring more long talks and i look forward to every moment of them. there is just this huge thing taking over my life, and i'm pretty sure its a thing called love. its terrifying. its something that i don't know if i've ever felt in this way before. i know i've loved people before, but this is for real. this is forever. this is for life. this is the boy i want to have a family with and grow old with and worry about money and life with. i seriously feel like this is happy. i feel like this is what i need. i feel like this is the love i've been waiting for, and it was there all along, just hiding under the surface. there was something big waiting to happen with that boy and me in high school, and it just got put off for two years.
yes, i'm scared to death. yes, i know i'm young. yes, i know he got sent home from his mission 6 weeks ago, and yes i know he has a lot of stuff going on with his family, but i feel like its going to be okay. we are honest and open about our fears and our hopes and our problems. this realationship is going to be one based on trust and truth. its going to be based on love. its going to be one based on knowing from the starting moment what could happen, if things work out the way that they are headed right now, at this very moment.
i don't know when we'll get married. i think that he and i could handle a long term type thing. as in, we date for a long time, get engaged next summer, and then get married the next. that timing would be perfect and amazing, but i dunno. i guess i'm going to play it by ear. i love that with him i can tell him what i'm thinking. i love the he isn't scared by the word marriage. i love that he said flat out he wants to marry me. i dunno. this is all so BIG. i feel like my heart is about to explode. i feel like my entire being is just this differnt thing that has changed in the past 5 days into something new and bigger and better.
i let go of philip. i just let go. i decided that he will never deserve my entire heart, because he has damaged it too much. that boy doesn't know what he wants, so i had to decide what i wanted, and it turned out what i wanted wasn't him. i deserve someone who is crazy about me. someone who stays up at night thinking about me because they want to be with me. someone who tells me i'm beautiful and someone who loves me for, not despite, all of my imperfections. letting go of him was nothing like i thought it would be. it was easy. it was right. i feel free and light and wonderful. i can still be his friend. i can still support him while he's gone. his tape was in the truck, and i listened to it for a little bit today. it made me laugh, it made me smile, but it didn't make me want him. its like i have this new freedom. my heart is finally on the road to healing. my heart is finally ready.
ready for love. ready for life. ready for everything. david will be there with me. i feel like this whole person now. i feel like, even if things don't work out with me and david, i would be okay. as much as i care about the kid, i feel like now i am this entire person. i don't need anyone else. and i think maybe thats why this is so wonderful. i don't need david, i want him. i want him with all my being. i love that i can want him like that. i love that there is no holding back.
life is good right now. i'm finally figuring out who i am, inside. i am figuring out exactly where i stand. i may not know what i want to do for a career right now, i may not know what is going to happen in my life entirely, but i am excited to find out. i am excited to finally go on with life from this point on. i'm excited to have this boy by my side for it all. i'm excited to be me. and that, my friends, is something i am glad for. something i can be proud of.
i don't need anything else today. i am happy with me and thats all that matters.